Find Yourself

Chapter 16

Victor

Bedroom

     Waking up next to Benji is the best thing in the world, his arms wrapped around me are so comforting, and I could stay in them forever.  This morning, I woke up, and he wasn't next to me.  I think to myself, "Does he have work this morning?"  I shake my head and remember that we both have today off.  "He must be in the bathroom, and he will be back soon," I thought.

      I tried to fall back asleep, but it was so hard.  I am so used to having his warmth next to me as I sleep, that without it, I feel like I can't sleep.  I turned over, expecting Benji to be back any second, and as I did, I saw Benji sitting on the edge of the bed, with his head in his hands.  I sat up and asked, "Babe, are you ok?"  He turned to me, and I could instantly see that he was crying.  I sat up and moved right next to him and said, "Babe, talk to me."

     His face turned white, and he said, "I was...  Just thinking about how I almost lost you."  He started to cry and put his head in his hands again.  I felt my stomach churn.  I didn't know how to react.  The only thing I knew to do was to put my arm around him.  I muster the words, "Babe, I thought the same thing, I thought Dillon was going to kill us both."

     Benji says in between sobs, "Victor, I have something to tell you, and I haven't told anyone this before."  I sit up, and I look intently at my boyfriend and say, "I am here for you, babe."  I grab one of his hands as he looks right at me and says, "Since before I came out, and way before that actually, I have been depressed.  I am constantly terrified that my life will fall apart and that no one will be there with me."  I kiss him softly and say, "Babe, I will always be here for you."

     Benji smiles with tears in his eyes and says, "You know, when I got that text from Dillon on your phone, and he sent me the picture of you tied up in his car, right?"  I nod my head and let him continue, "Well, when I was waiting for everyone to pick me up, some guy gave me a bottle of alcohol because he thought I needed it."  I gasp, remembering that Benji is barely a year sober.

     He points towards his jacket that was covering up a chest resting right next to him and says, "In here, I have the bottle."  I immediately go to the chest and open it.  I see the blue bottle right away and ask, "Benji, have you?"  He shakes his head and says, "No, but I want too."  I ask, "Do you want me to-" He interrupts me and says, "Get rid of it, please."  Without another moment, I pick up a pair of shorts and put them on as I take the bottle out of the room.

     I walk to the sink, and I dump the bottle down the drain.  I close my eyes and start to cry.  Mr. Campbell goes to get coffee and sees me with the Vodka, and he asks, "Is he?"  I shake my head and say, "He said no.  He told me to get rid of it."  He smiles at me and says, "You know, I have never seen my son this happy before, and if you can get him to dump out alcohol, then you are a keeper in my book."  I smile and say, "I would do anything for Benji."  I smiled at him and said, "I better get back in there."

     I get back to the room, and Benji is crying again.  I immediately shut the door behind me and get on the floor, in front of him and say, "Babe, I'm here."  He wipes away the tears and says, "Sorry, I just thought of Dillon with his gun on you again."  I grab both of his hands, which gets him to look at me and say, "Don't think of that, look at me.  We both are fine."

     He smirks and says, "You know, my depression hasn't been back since we started dating.  I'm only feeling this way because-"  He starts to cry again, and I kiss him softly and say, "Babe, it's ok."

      Benji looks at his jacket and lets go of my hands.  He reaches in the pocket, and I stare at him as he pulls out a little black box.  He stares at the box and says, "You know, I was going to give you this at the game before-"  I ask, "Is that?"