our own complexity

V

     Sometimes I could even feel his gaze on me as people chatted, and I'd turn to face him and our eyes would connect again. It was a weird thing for me, because I had always felt awkward when looking at people straight to their eyes, but with Julian, apparently, everything was different. Different little asshole.

     "Fuck no. We're not playing truth or dare." Said Neels, this really cute black guy with locks that was smoking weed. "That's some middle school shit."

     "Well, what do you want to play?" Said May, frustrated. "You guys already played all the fun games while I was gone and you're not going to play again for my sake."

     "I'm down for making out with some chicks, or some chicks making out with each other." He bit his lip and scanned all the girls in the circle. I felt a chill going up through my spine.

     "You're disgusting, Neels." Said Polly. "Women don't exist to satisfy your dick." All the girls agreed with her.

     "Okay then. My point is, what about spin the bottle?"

     "Too boring and predictable. Everyone has kissed each other here already." Said May and my jaw almost dropped to the floor. "Well except Rose, but we're not about to make her do that. I say, truth or dare."

     "What if we make it dare or double dare?" Neels suggested putting down his blunt. "Then the boring part of the game is gone."

     Everyone agreed and I just stayed quiet since it didn't feel like I was a part of the conversation. Then, an empty Hennessy bottle was placed in the middle of the circle and everyone took turns spinning it.

     I looked horrified at how May chugged the biggest bottle of vodka I had ever seen in twenty seconds and how Neels pulled down his pants and underwear exposing his penis even when everyone acted like they'd seen it a gazillion times, at some point, I had to take my first two shots of vodka ever, but I also laughed when this boy had to make up a love poem for one of our teachers and when this girl had this kick this other guy's balls as hard as she could and the guy chickened out. When Neels's turn for spinning the bottle came it landed clearly on me, and he smirked.

     "Your name is Rose, right? I have never seen you here before so I guess you must be new. Who invited you?" For some reason, the whole thing didn't feel right for me. The room went silent and Polly looked like she was about to step up when May talked.

     "Julian did, so don't even think of doing some stupid shit." She warned and Neels chuckled.

     "Of course not, pretty princess." He winked at her. "I was just putting the final piece down for her dare." Then he looked at me again. "I dare you to go with Julian into the closet." Then with his head, he gestured towards a door in one side of the room. "For five turns. Take it as a home tour since you're Julian's guest."

     I looked up at Julian and if stares could kill, Neels would be dead. And that just made my heart sink. And even though he looked upset, he stood up and the frowned disappeared from his face, he stretched out his hand for me to help me stand up and I took it. Everyone just stared. I wanted to run from embarrassment. He still had my hand inside his when we went inside the closet.

     The light was really dim and it was so small we were almost touching. It was full of expensive coats and some other things that I didn't really care to check for because that had been the closest me and Julian Dorian had been facing each other ever.

     "So... enjoying the party?" He asked and I covered my mouth as I giggled. I didn't know why I was giggling.

     "It's really nice." I had to admit I was having a good time overall. "Thank you for inviting me."

    "Well, I didn't exactly invite you, I paid for you to come." We both chuckled. "But I'm a nice host, therefore, I'm glad you're enjoying my humble friend reunion."

     "Not humble at all, Amigo." And now that I look back it wasn't even that funny, but we started laughing our asses off.

     When we stopped laughing, our faces were just inches away from each other. And now I could perfectly examine his face. The nice eyebrows, the pretty eyes that looked brown under this light, the long lashes I was jealous of, the pink lips, and his hot breath against my skin. I had to look up because he was at least a whole head taller than me. I was smelling the faint trace of his cologne. The world was spinning. I was tipsy. I felt myself blushing.

     "Why didn't you tell people I'm failing English?" he asked quietly. He knew I could hear.

     I shrugged, barely. "It didn't seem like my thing to share." He scoffed, his breath softly stroked my cheeks. It smelled like whiskey and mint. I wanted to tell him to do it again so I that I could smell it again.

     "You know, Hilson." He said in a whisper. "You're not at all what I imagined."

     And I didn't have a chance to ask him what he meant, because next thing I knew his hands were on my waist and his lips on mine and the world stopped spinning at once. He tasted the way his breath smelled. Maybe better. His touch felt cold in my lower back. I put my hands on his face, which was also cold. Everything about him was freezing.

     I was about to let him go further when we heard a knock on the door and we both stepped back at the same time. I banged my head against the wall.

     "Helloooo, there." It was Neels's voice. "Everybody decent in there?"

     "Of course, dumbass," Julian growled whipping his lips and pushed the door open at once and Neels and Polly were waiting outside for us. Polly looked worried and Neels had a smirk on his face.

     She went up to me as soon as I walked out. "Are you okay?"

     "Ye–."

    "More importantly, was there any action?" Neels was moving his eyebrows up and down and I didn't feel like answering his question. Instead, Julian did.

     "Isn't that what we're supposed to do?" And the room exploded in long 'oh' sounds. My heart sank again.

     So that's what happened? He kissed me because he was supposed to? And then reality hit me: that had been my first kiss ever. I gave my first kiss to Julian Dorian in a dare game. My face probably looked horrified because Polly asked me again if I was okay.

     "Yes, I'm good," I muttered, and then I looked up at her. "What time is it?"

     She checked her phone, "1:37 am." I gasped and looked at May, she was definitely too intoxicated to drive us back. "I have to get back home too. I can drive you both."

     "Yes, that would be marvelous."

     "Neels, help us with your pretty princess here." I turned to look as Neels turned from talking to Julian and accidentally looked at Julian instead. He looked at me too, and then I turned my head to look at my shoes. I just couldn't face him. My first kiss happened with him inside a closet at a party because of a dare. It had been him. And it might not be important, but I at least wanted for it to be with someone that mattered. Not the asshole that a couple of days ago I dreaded to see.

     Neels helped us carry May to Polly's car and Polly drove us off. I didn't see Julian for the rest of the night.