Not Even Death

Counting On

"Wow, Kanan's alive and Hera's expecting?"

I turn off my spray gun surprised to see Ezra standing in my doorway with his hands awkwardly stuffed in his pockets. He looks better than the first time I saw him. Now, his scraggly hair is wet from a fresh shower, and he's changed out of the dirt-covered outfit that probably smelled worse than the cabin he shares with Zeb.

But Ezra's face is still sunken in around the cheekbones, and I can't help thinking how hard his time on the island must have been.

"Yeah, it's amazing," I admit.

Ezra stops in front of my latest mural, and I find myself holding my breath. The Lothian tower is little more than a few hard lines and some basic shading, but I'm suddenly worried about what Ezra thinks. I've never really done that before.

"Is this...?" he starts before I interrupt in a loud burst.

"Yes!"

That was really smooth.

The corners of Ezra's lips turn up. "I like it," is all he says.

I open my mouth, and then I realize that I have no idea what to say. If this had been only a few months ago, I might have made a sly remark or punched him for leaving us in the dark, but nothing comes to mind as I map the curves of his freshly shaved jawline. Did he have to shave before now?

"Sabine?"

"What?"

"Did you hear me?" Ezra asks cautiously. "I said this is my favorite."

"Oh," I can feel my cheeks glow, "thanks."

Thank you! That's what I was supposed to say. Ugh, I'm terrible at this.

"Sabine, I..." Ezra says before pausing midsentence. His blue eyes dart across my face as though he could find the next words in the color of my hair or the shape of my nose.

I wait for a beat before prompting him on, "You...?"

Ezra runs a hand through his damp locks. "I just wanted to say thanks for finding me. I knew I could count on you."

At these words, I let my gaze falter. I don't deserve his appreciation.

"I didn't do much," my whisper is coarse and dry. "Kanan is the one who figured out the birds and located Ahch To."

I watch Ezra's bare feet take a step closer towards me, and something hot floods my veins.

"Is that why you hung back at the welcome party?"

My mouth goes completely dry. Now, I definitely have no idea what to say.

"I..." Oh, karabast. "I just wanted you to have your time with Kanan."

"Oh," he whispers, and something stabs my chest at the slight deflation in his tone.

I hold my elbow in the opposite hand and give a long squeeze hoping to release this strangely nervous energy inside, but it just hurts. I have so many things I want to say next, but the moment they leave my mouth everything will change. What if now isn't the time? What if I'm the one who isn't ready?

"I'm counting on you, Sabine," he had said. Ezra was willing to risk everything for us, for his home.

Maybe it's time that I risk everything too.

Ezra starts to retreat. His feet scuffing on the metal floor as he starts to turn away, hurt by my lack of... anything.

It's now or never.

I reach out grabbing the sleeve of Ezra's leather jacket. "No, wait!"

Two bushy eyebrows leap in alarm.

"I didn't mean for it to sound like that, like I'm not happy you're home and safe," my words rush out in a flood. "The truth is that I was a wreck when you were gone, and I couldn't sleep knowing that you were out there counting on me, waiting for me. I couldn't go a day without being reminded of you.

"And now that you're here..." I take a breath. "I have to be honest with myself, too. Missing you didn't hurt just because you're my friend. It also hurt knowing I could have missed the chance to be more than friends..."

While I spoke, Ezra slowly closed the gap between us step by step. Now, only a few centimeters of recycled air stands between him and me. I can hear my breath gaining speed as it becomes more ragged.

"You missed me?"

I nod without breaking eye contact.

Ezra's eyes glance at my lips then meet mine. "Does this mean what I think it means?"

I can feel myself stupid grin, and I hate it. "Yes, you dork. It means this:"

My fingers catch a fistful of shirt collar, and I pull his face down to mine. When did he have another growth spurt? It's been a while since my first, and only, kiss with Wedge which was mostly just a warm tongue shoved down my throat, but this time, I feel in control. Everything in my body knows what to do.

When our faces are so close that I can feel his nose against my cheek, I let go of the shirt and allow my fingers to travel up his neck until they graze his cheek, and with that, I pull him in. Just as our lips meet, Ezra's hands find the curves of my hipbones. It's a sensory overload.

His lips are stiff as I press into them, but as I pull his bottom lip into mine, Ezra seems to catch on. Everything is warm and wet even the small hairs on the base of his neck. Tingles start where his light touch tickles my waist and travel all the way up my spine. I'm hyper-aware of how close we are, and I don't think I ever want to let go.

I can't believe I actually survived this week. You guys best be glad I didn't have to type this up because it would not have happened. Like anything that could go wrong this week, has gone completely nuts!

In light of my trash week and my promise to double publish with good feedback, I will be giving you guys a treat and publish the next chapter as well. Sadly, this will probably be the only time I do this because I was looking through the last sections, and I want them to have some space for anticipation ;) Sorry in advance.

I love you all! Stay safe! And I hope your week went better than mine!