I Sing For You

Chapter 10

I had to read it five or six times before I finally made sense of it.   My mind was telling me that she killed herself.... But she couldn't have... She wouldn't do that.  She wouldn't leave me, or would she?  No matter what she thought, I did love her. She was my mother...  even if she tore me apart.

I eventually broke down into sobs, and collapsed on her bed, crying out of confusion, anger, and fear.  Through my blurred vision, I saw Ray take the note, and read it carefully.  I buried my face in my hands, not wanting to see his reaction.  I didn't care; I just wanted to get answers, even though I was almost certain I already knew.

"Do you think-?" he started, his voice shaking.  I don't know what he thought of my mom, but I knew that he was bottling up his emotions right now, in some way.

"I don't know!" I said, more angrily than intended.

"I'm not trying to be a downer, but it looks like a suicide note," he said.  I ignored him and continued to sob.  He started stroking my back to try and soothe me.  I knew he was trying his best, but it really wasn't helping.  

He lifted me up slightly so I was sitting up instead of laying down.  He put his arm around me, allowing me to lay on his shoulder and cry.  He gave me a shoulder to cry on.....  Anyway, we sat there for a while, him trying to comfort me, but I couldn't be comforted.  Not now.

"We shoulder call the police.  They will find her," he said, leaving me sitting on the bed to call the police.  

Even though everything was bad right now, I had to admit that I was glad Ray was with me.  i would rather be facing this with him than alone.

"Search party will be out tomorrow," he said.  I didn't expect them to start today.  It was almost midnight.

"You don't have to stay," I said after a while of silence.  He didn't seem to know what to do.

"You can stay at my house tonight...if you want," he said awkwardly, but in a kind way.  I was tempted to, just so I didn't have to be alone... When dad died, I wasn't alone.  I had my mom, even though she fell silent.  But this time, I was alone.... I'm not saying I thought she died, but if she did....

"I think I should stay here. But thanks anyway," I said politely.  I stood up, and walked him to the front door.

"I'm sorry..." he said. "That this happened...."

"Thanks, but I can't afford to hear sympathy.... But I want you to know that before this happened, this was the best night of my entire life," I said, being totally honest.  I looked at the floor, blushing.  He was smiling.  Even though I wasn't looking at him I could sense it.  Not I genuine smile, but a sheepish, sympathetic smile.

"Goodnight doll face," he said quietly.  Most people would get mad that he added some humor into the moment, but I appreciated it. 

Once again, I watched him walk down the street, away from me.

**********************

Three days later, it happened.  

I stayed home from school, but Ray came to my house for one hour visits every night.  He didn't stay long, because he knew I liked to be alone.  But he did his best to inform the teachers, and make sure that this was an excused absence.  If it wasn't excused, too bad.

I didn't play any music, or even sing.  I mostly lay on my couch, waiting for the phone to ring.  I would wait for news... anything at all that the search team had to tell me.  The phone never rang.

Three days later, it did ring. 

I picked it up during the first ring, eager for answers.  The found the body of a female in the river by the bridge.  It was only about twelve feet, but deep enough.  They wanted me to come down and examine it.  I didn't need to look twice to know it was her.  I nodded, and told them not to have a funeral.  She was an orphan, so there wasn't any family that I needed to notify.  My dad's side hated mom, so they hated me too.  She lost touch with all of her friends.  It was only me.  I just wanted her body cremated.