The Bet (BWWM)

Me, Myself and I

It's been three weeks since everything went to hell. I've been pretty miserable and every day has been the same routine of eating, sleeping, and washing before repeating them all over again in whatever order I have enough energy for.

Today, however, my schedule is switching up a bit since the twins have demanded they come over to physically check in on me. They've been doing what they can over the phone to console me but when I break down in tears there's really nothing they can do but listen or hang up. They called for a 'bestie link-up', something we only reserve for serious occasions so I couldn't dodge them again.

I'm struggling to clean the place up when I get the alert on my phone that they need to be buzzed in. With the press of a button, I let them up and stop to stare at the state of my place. I really need to move. Despite mostly being at Jude's I still see him everywhere I look. I can imagine his sweet smile, full lips spreading widely across his face as he takes in my lazy Sunday look. I can hear him now telling me how he loves seeing me this way the most, my hair a mess, glasses on, comfy relaxed clothes – he called it my natural state.

I feel myself begin to smile, the same sad motion I've made for almost a month, it never quite makes it there because I always realize his words are memories now. I've called him, I've texted, hell, I even emailed. I've done everything but send up a smoke signal and still, no response. I guess it really is over.

The realization kills me all over again and a new batch of tears form, threatening to fall. Just as I prepare to give in, I hear a knock on the front door. The twins.

Quickly, wiping my eyes, I inhale through my nose and out through my mouth to calm down. I have to pull it together.

Taking one last look at the place, I rush to the door to let my best friends in.

As soon as I open the door, Aubrey pulls me into an embrace so hard it squeezes the tears out I'd just forced back. His hugs always make me feel so warm and loved, protected, like an embrace from the brother I never had.

I hear Audrey come in and sit her bags down on the counter before my back is enveloped in warmth as well. The tears couldn't stop if I willed them to at this point. This is the most protected I've felt in weeks. I could kick myself for not inviting my support over sooner, for trying to do this on my own.

I can only imagine what's going through their minds right now. The apartment is cleaner than it was but I'm sure they can tell it was a rush job. There's trash bags piled like a New York street since I didn't have the time to run them to the trash chute before they got here and the air in here is stale from being closed up for three weeks straight. I think this is the first time I've even opened my front door since the night of the breakup. I can't believe I let things go this far.

After what feels like an eternity of silent hugging the tears begin to subside and our group hug loosens. Sighing, I place a hand against each of their faces and despite opening my mouth to speak, remain speechless. I feel so much lighter and so thankful just seeing their faces, I could cry again. I'm shocked my eyes have any tears left.

"We know," Aubrey says, giving me a soft smile, "We love you too."

I pull them both in again quickly, forcing back tears because I'm sure this isn't why they came over. Letting them go, I wipe my eyes, the embarrassment of being so vulnerable eating at me. I try to tamp it down and ignore it because these are my people, my family – they're all I have now.

"Alright," Audrey says, placing her hands on her hips, "Let's finish cleaning this shȉt up and light those candles I brought. It smells like an old man's feet in here."

I laugh genuinely for the first time in weeks and it feels good to let a little sunshine in through my rainclouds.

***