Beyond The Past (My Toxic Relationship)

Aftermath & Postpartum

"Leaving a relationship with a narcissist sociopath or psychopath is never going to follow the traditional recovery time for a break up. Often a survivor of a toxic relationship will question why it takes so long for them to heal and feel whole again. It takes much longer than a normal breakup because recovery from psychological abuse involves completely rebuilding self-worth, restoring normal adrenaline levels and finding an inner strength not previously known. All that takes time."- Shannon Thomas.

And it's true. I won't sit here and lie to you and tell you that I'm back and better than ever.

The truth is to some extent I am. I know that I deserve better. I know that now I will refuse to settle for less than what I'm asking for. I know I'm worth it and I know that someone out there won't think I'm asking for too much, rather "that's it?" I know how to cut ties with people the minute the first one or two red flags pop up. A few years ago I would've never been able to do that. Because I have always been the type of person that likes to see the good in people. That believed people could change if they really wanted to and a part of me will always be like that but despite that- I won't ever let someone get countless of chances in order to see it.

So if I was to tell Lex one thing and mean it, it would be this.

"Thank you for everything. Thank you for building me up...then letting me down. Thank you for making me fall...and then not catching me. And I can't forget the little things, because they say those are the ones that matter. So thank you.. for the lying, sneaking around, and all the promises you made that turned out to be "just words". Because though at the time I hated what it did to me. I am now in love with the woman it forced me to become. Not one who gave up on love, but one who dismisses the bullshit the moment she spots it."- Poetic Style.

And that's exactly the truth.

But.

There are downsides to it too.

A few months ago, I got asked out on a date which I ended up agreeing to and ended up freaking out over it. When I talked to my best friend she asked me why I didn't just go for it and I told her because I had commitment issues.

When I said it I thought I was joking. It wasn't until much later that night that I realized what I said and that I had meant it.

Usually when I come to life altering realizations, I usually text Ali and talk to her about it. In college, my group of friends and I had a thing called 'midnight talks' where we would gather at midnight whether it was at a park, dorm room or simply walking  around campus and talk about anything and everything. To this day it's something that occasionally occurs.

So when I came to this realization that I had commitment issues, well to be entirely honest it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I texted Ali and told her that I hated coming to this realization because after three years since everything happened I was at the point where I genuinely believed I was over everything that had happened. That I had accepted it. When the truth was far from it. I hadn't fully dealt with everything that happened- I still haven't. I kinda had just rewired my brain into thinking I was okay and pushed all my trauma down deep and put a lid and lock on it and called it day.

Coming to this realization sucked because it felt like I had taken 5 steps forward and 10,000 steps back. 

Here's the thing, in order for you to get a better insight on what I mean with that.

If you know me you know how in love I am with Harry Styles. Yes it's a thing and I've been in love with him since 2010 but not the point.

Anyways I have said for years that I'm not getting married or having anymore kids unless it's with Harry Styles and Harry Styles himself.