Beyond The Past (My Toxic Relationship)

Experiments, Failures, Lessons Learned.

I had quite a bit of success on tinder to be entirely honest. I wasn't really looking for anything, rather I just needed a distraction. A distraction from everything I had recently endured.

At the time it seemed easier to have a distraction than to face everything. And with that came "Jose."

Jose and I hit it off pretty fast. I mean the first night we literally stayed up until 5 am talking.

After about a week or so of talking he said he wanted to take me out. I agreed.

The "date" went great and it was like we had known each other our whole lives. You know when you meet those people and you just click? No awkwardness. No pauses. No weird moments. Things just flow naturally. That's what it was with Jose. He at that time, was a breath of fresh air.

But that fresh air quickly became suffocating. Jose caught feelings for me pretty fast which wasn't my intention it just kinda happened.

I say that because even though we weren't even dating he drove an hour and a half from his college to mine just because he wanted to see me.

Now some of you might be like 'awwww' and yeah it would've been cute if he hadn't said that he drove there because "he missed me." We had only been talking for maybe a week and a half. Two weeks at most. We weren't dating but he made it seem like we were.

Anyways, here's how that happened. I had texted him when I was off of work and he called me asking how long it usually took me to get home and I told him 30m give or take and I asked why and he said because he was in my small little city. I thought he was joking and he was like no I'm really here. I ended up giving him the address to my apartment and told him I would see him in a bit.

By the time I got to my apartment I only had about 5m or so to change and go downstairs to meet him.

We went to sonic bought some food and then just drove around the town before he took me back to my apartment.

We parked the car and pretty soon we were making out and things got intense pretty fast.

Now two things I want to talk about, in the previous chapter I mentioned that sex was something that was sacred to me at the time. I had been raised to believe that sex should only be something you do with the person you're with or married to. So it wasn't something I willingly gave up that easily. Lex was just supposed to be a one time thing to get it over with and at the time he was someone I trusted. I also mentioned that I was at the point where I wanted to take everything back from Lex.

Up until that point Lex had been the only person I had been with but because I "was moving forward" I wanted to take that away from him. I no longer wanted him to be the only person who could say he had "had me".

So I had sex with Jose.

I definitely won't go into detail with that because frankly it's not like it was uh... great. And we don't talk about our bad sex experiences unless it's with our friends.

But I digress, anyways that happened and after it happened I remember crying. Jose asked what was wrong and I couldn't quite put it into words.

Because not to be dramatic but as soon as I had felt him in me it was like that last tie to Lex had been severed. So I cried. I cried because I felt like shit. I had used him as an excuse to take away the last bit of power Lex had over me. I had thrown my morals out of the window and I felt dirty. I was disappointed in myself for giving it up so easily to someone I barely knew. I couldn't believe I had actually gone through with it. He stopped asking questions at some point and just held me while I sobbed into his chest.