KenHina // Pathetic

Pathetic // Part 8

author's note

 ight listen. imma make this into an angst story and WARNING I'm switching up the story a little bit. I just it got complicated but it's rlly hard to write fluff that's different from the other KenHina stories so I chose angst. It got dark pretty quick...

Kenma's POV

I can't go back to the dorms. I'm so pathetic and stupid, they must think I'm such a crybaby. They aren't wrong of course but it still hurts. I looked at my cut shoulder, I didn't think to bring bandages. I look at the blade in my hand. It's so easy to just slit my throat, the pain would be gone and so would I. But although it's my wish, I'm too much of a coward to go through with it. I rested my head on my knees. 

Shoyo must hate me. He must realize how much of a burden I am.

Kuroo hates me. He must think I'm a liar and a slut for supposedly sleeping with Shoyo.

Karasuno's captain looks at me with pity and disgust.

The world hates me. 

I hate me. 

I sobbed into my knees. My hideous, fragile, worthless body was aching in pain. Where do I go? Do I just calm down and go back into the dorms like nothing ever happened. They're eyes will be burning into my skin, watching me. They wouldn't care, I'm not anything to them except a setter. Just a team member. A warm body on the team. Obviously they would care more about Kuroo. He's so perfect at everything. He's everything I'm not and I hate him for that. no. I hate me for that. I lifted my head, it was cold from the tears drying on my cheeks. I had no more tears to cry. I can't spend my time locked in a bathroom. It'll make me even more pathetic. Is that possible? Of course, it is, there is always more room in my pit of stupidity. To think I ever dreamed that Shoyo could fix me with his brightening smile was foolish. I had hope, a messed up concept that will hurt you. Why can't I stop thinking about myself?! Selfish should be added to the list. Okay seriously, how am I gonna spend the night. I could run in and grab my bag, take it to a quite area. 

I tip toed down the hallway, it was about 20 minutes since I left the dorm. The lights were out, I wasn't sure if they were asleep yet. I carefully slid open the door to see the team sitting in a circle, talking and laughing. well shit. "Look who came back," I heard Kuroo's voice. "Have a fun time with Shoyo again?" He laughed. They all laughed. Was that in my head? The laughter all directed at me, is it my imagination? I looked up and saw it wasn't my imagination. See you're nothing to them. I chocked back tears. "Hey, were joking Kenma!" Yaku said. Kuroo wasn't. I lowered my head and watched the floor as I grabbed my bag. I went to leave again. I can feel their eyes on me. They were so confused. Probably thinking, how is this a big deal? It's just a silly joke. "Wait Kenma where are you going?" Lev asked. He wasn't aware that everything they said (or laughed) went to my head. We should add overthinker to the list of 'why Kenma Kozume shouldn't be wasting anymore space'. I couldn't even think of a reason to leave. I just knew  I couldn't be in that dorm. I couldn't take it. Weak. Your weak. I looked Lev in the eyes and just turned around and walked out. I have the urge to cut again. I push it down into my dark pit of emotions. I go into a closet down by the gyms. I doubt anyone would even know these existed. I set down my backpack under my head and cuddled myself with my hoodie I just put on. Please don't wake up tomorrow. 

Hinata's POV

I woke up the next morning early, everyone was still sleeping. I checked my phone to see 2 new messages from Kenma. I don't even know how to talk to him. He obviously didn't have any feelings, those feelings. Kenma would never think that from me. I'm too needy for someone like him. I want to be with him but he would never be happy with me. I'll do him a favor and tell everyone that it wasn't true and we never did anything. I really don't want to...but it'll make Kenma happy. I picked up my bag and went to the bathroom, prepared myself for a full day of training, I'M SO EXCITED! 

~time skip to breakfast~ 

I told my team that nothing was true and that Kenma didn't mean anything to me. It took all of my lying skills to say something like that. I desperately want it to be true. (that's just depressing ok why am I developing the characters this way???) I assured them multiple times, especially to Kageyama who had a hint of jealous on his face. I didn't notice Kenma at breakfast. I guess he didn't take the rumors going around too well. Kuroo looked a little salty, almost like Tsukkishima. 

Kenma's POV 

I woke up naturally at around 6am. 30 minutes till breakfast. I decided against going into the pool of volleyball players for some food. It's not like I wanted to eat anyways. I walked over to bathrooms, I saw some players from other teams walking towards the bathrooms too. I went into a stall and thought of how my teammates would look at me. Would it be pity or disgust in their eyes? pity? hahaha that's funny, they wouldn't feel bad. Everything was just a joke anyways. Laugh it off. Stop being dramatic. I feel my throat squeezing for air, my eyes dripping. I hear the door open to the bathroom. Don't make a sound, your just being a dramatic brat. My hands are shaking, I can only calm down from- my hand claspes around the cold razor. Don't make a sound. Be quiet. Your a burden. No need to get more attention. I dragged the blade down my bicep. It was deep. My tears fell into my lap and a small smile creeped on my face. It's addicting and calming. I dragged a few more smaller shallower times around the deep cut. I reached into my bag and wrapped it around in gauze. My hands were steady and my breathing leveled out. I need a different coping method. I changed into a long sleeve volleyball shirt. It was hot out but I needed to cover my messy cuts somehow. I heard some chatting by the bathroom door. I can't get out if they're by the door. I sat waiting for the door to shut again. After a few minutes I heard the chatting stop and the door close. I walked out the stall and made my way outside sitting in the shade of a tree. After the coaches walked into the gym I followed behind. I wanted to be early rather than late. I sat on the bench with my head down looking at my phone as the players came in. 

authors note

Hi. This story just took a turn to the darker side of things. It was gonna be all fluff and sunshine but after reading angst until 5 am for the last 2 day its gonna be a little more... depressing. I'm still trying to figure out a reasonable ending, not totally depressing but not the princess ending...

have a good day :)