COURSE CORRECT

Module 10 - Engine Failure

Also known as: "In Week 11 I went berserk and became the Godzilla of the supermarket." Foodzilla was more like it.

So what happens when you do fail in your efforts to reach your goal?

Just so you know that I'm not preaching perfectionism and that I'm just as human as anyone else, I'll share with you what happened to me during my first attempt to radically reset my life with my Course Correct plan.

Expecting the unexpected is something we should, well, expect. But this...this was a mechanical failure. It wasn't like an unexpected cupcake on your birthday that you enjoy with abandon because it's a worthy special occasion. It wasn't the unexpected glass of champagne you're handed at a party or a spontaneous lunch out with a friend where you freely enjoy and then move on with life. This was a full-blown meltdown. It was the 'time to turn on the emergency locator beacon and find the nearest field to land in because we have lost flight capabilities' kind of unexpected.

I thought I'd trained for this. I was ready for an emergency landing, right?

I'd been humming along, firing on all cylinders for weeks. I'd lost 16 pounds and numerous inches and even weathered a couple of frustrating weight plateaus as well as frustrations over not following some of my own rules as well as I'd intended. I was on course in most ways and working on not beating myself up for not being perfect in my efforts. (A fault of mine; I can beat myself up like a prizefighter.)

For most perfectionists, perfection is the stick we use to beat ourselves up. I'd been flexible but very, very consistent.

What instigated my sudden plummet to Earth?

My best guess is that it was a combination of things: Boredom. Stress certainly contributed. I had to also be willing to consider that my inner-juvenile was probably pretty irritated at all the restrictions I'd suddenly placed on her. A huge factor: stress and some old emotional wounds had me suffering some feelings I didn't want to feel. Cue the numbing! 

When old wounds are dredged up, old coping mechanisms can kick in.

Around that time, I also violated one of my "Spirit" reset rules: Absolutely do not say 'yes' to things that I don't want to do. Most women understand the need for a rule like this. We are raised to be caretakers and to people please and if we are even slightly rickety about boundaries or our own self-worth then we find that we say 'yes' far more than we should or is healthy.

I agreed to a project that very quickly took over my life. Tight deadline. High-octane stress. Flapping like crazy in a headwind. I had no plan in place for how to cope with the stress of it all. It affected my healthy routines. Not surprisingly, I fell back into my old ways of coping: food and alcohol.

When I say food, I mean that I binged. For twelve days, I ate like it was my last twelve days on earth. Never mind that my body hadn't consumed anything but clean, whole foods in over two months with no alcohol, diary, or gluten. Pizza at my son's birthday party? Oh heck yes. Cake? You betcha. Chips, cookies, cheese in its many glorious forms, candy, ice-cream, eating out at restaurants, an apparent "no carb left behind" proclamation, and of course, wine and champagne.

I exercised half as much and half as hard. My sleep habits became erratic. Meditation and yoga dropped off, as did most other rules. Hear that record scratching sound? That was the sound of my spirit halting mid-song, going back in time to three months earlier.

What I told myself on day one was, "I've been ahh-MAY-zing! Look at how marvelously consistent I've been. I deserve this weekend off. I'll get right back on track on Monday." Sound familiar? It did to me, too. That was the voice of a self I thought I'd retired. I'd started my Course Correct on December 13th! I'd weathered the freaking holidays, a birthday, and various temptations and had stayed the course. I told myself that one weekend off wasn't going to change the state of the world. It was a blip in my overall life timeline, would be healthy even, for me to not be so rigid. Life is about balance, right? Surely I'd proven that I was strong enough to have a day or so of fun and get right back on track...yada yada yada.