All But Forgotten Mate (EDITED/COMPLETE)

9: Relax

I feel like I'm mourning something I never had. I wanted to hit something, break things, but I've never been a violent person. Other than throwing a chair at the bitch that was fucking my mate. I sighed as I stepped out of the shower. I dressed in my swimsuit and decided to relax by the pool. Since the boys weren't here I headed to the hot tub. I tiptoed out, trying my hardest to avoid Dev. Relaxing while jets rub and massage my tired body down sounded like just what the doctor ordered.

I had been relaxing for an hour when Devon came outside. "Do you really want to remove our bond?"

"Do we have to have this conversation today, of all days?" It's my birthday weekend. I just want to forget all this bullshit and be a normal twenty-one-year-old wolf.

"It's just us here. Kelly and Jax took the boys to the water park." He said sitting on the edge of the tub, feet in. "Are you that unhappy? I know that I don't do anything to make you happy, but I do try to not be a complete asshole. I do care, and I don't want you to leave."

"What do you want me to say? That when I dreamt of my mate this is exactly what I imagined. No, it's not. It could be worse. I'm just tired of being let down by life. You're supposed to have a mother and father that love you. Well, I never knew my mom and you know what my dad was like. You are supposed to have siblings and friends growing up. My twin brother died when I was born and I was never allowed to have friends. You dream of your mate. You dream of the unconditional devotion, love, and passion. I got you. Someone who can't even commit to the one person who is made for him. I know that relationships aren't perfect. I knew when I found my mate it would be no fairytale, but I still want to be loved. I'm just disappointed that I miss out on that. I'm sad that I realized after three years that you will never love me. So I don't know what I'm holding onto now." Tears streamed down my face. Devon had to look away. He couldn't look at the pain he was causing me. We had spent so long avoiding this. Pretending, living the lie.

"You still want me to love you after everything I have done? I thought you hated me. I would hate me." He whispered looking away. "Do you love me?"

"You are my mate, the father of my children what am I suppose to do. So yes, I do love you. I always will. I hope you find happiness one day, but I can't do this anymore. I can't keep hoping that you will one day wake up and realize the mistake you have made. I can't reject you, and I can't keep living the lie. I needed to find some way to distance myself. I have some friends with a room to rent. I will work at the clinic and I can sleep in a place where you are not. I can be here during the day and still "Nanny" the boys." I stopped there as my voice broke.

"I'm so..." He tries to interrupt but I hold up a hand. I was not done talking yet.

"I won't even get into how much it hurts to be nanny and not mommy to the two precious boys that I carried and protected for six months. Maybe the twins can come to my visit at my place for weekends and such. I think that distance is what I need since I can't have the life that I want." He shifts uncomfortably. Good, he deserves to be uncomfortable.

"I don't want you to go Izza." His voice is pained. Good, he deserves pain too. He deserves to feel his heart shatter.

"I guess neither of us gets what they want." I took that moment to stand up. Devon moved towards me, and I slap him across the face. He doesn't try to come any closer. I stepped out of the hot tub and headed back to the house. Once to my room, I locked the door behind me because I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I laid down on my bed still wet but I didn't care, it didn't matter.

My wolf, Bella, was curled up in a ball whining inside of me, but she understood my decision. Nothing was ever going to change if we kept doing the same thing, and expecting a different result. That is the definition of insanity. Maybe I was insane for still wanting Devon, that's why the mate bond is so dangerous to mess with. Devon and I have not been following that bond, or at least he isn't. I have been loyal and faithful. Everything a mate should be. As I laid stretched out on my bed, I drifted off after some time of crying and dreaming of what a real mate would be like.

When I woke up it was time to get ready to go out tonight. I needed this. I needed to go out and be a real person, not the fake one I have been since I came here. For one night I'm not a nanny, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mate and I'm definitely free to do what I want. Dev might never let me have this freedom again, so I'm going to take advantage of it.

I went to the shower and rinsed off from my time in the hot tub, and shaved till I was silky smooth from head to toe. I twisted the front of my hair back on both sides away from my face and put a clip to hold it in place. I left the rest of my long white-blonde hair loose in flowy waves down my back. I did my makeup by doing a peach-colored eye with winged eyeliner, some mascara, and blush, I finished it off with a nude lip. I pulled out my dress knowing that Devon may not let me leave in it. It was maroon, with a scoop neck that showed a lot of my chest, and only thin straps to hold it up. The skirt hugged my bottom extra tight, while barely coming to my mid-thigh. I had knee-high back stiletto boots to go with it. I finished the look with a little jewelry and a few sprays of my favorite perfume.

I heard the doorbell ring and hoped it was my friends ready to head out. Devon had answered the door before I got there and they had all come inside to wait for me. There were four girls and one guy. Nancy and Maggie have mates, and they will be joining us later after patrol. Both ladies are in their late thirties and are always after me to live more.

Angela and Heather are single and ready to mingle, and they want me to come check out guys with them. Angela is 19 and Heather is 24. They share a house and are the ones that I will be moving in with.

Last is Doctor Gabe. He knows my real story and has always been super nice to me. A little too nice at times. I find him staring at me sometimes, and it gets kind of creepy.

As I came out everyone stopped talking. "What? Do I not look okay."

"You look great" Everyone shouted at once.

"I never knew you had that sick of a body under your scrubs," Angela said.

"Yea no one would guess that you are a nurse tonight. The guys are going to be falling all over you," Heather added. With this comment, I heard a growl come from the other side of the living room. Devon was dressed in just basketball shorts nothing else. He had sweat glistening down his body as if he had just finished working out. Which was probably true. I tried to look away, but I was caught by the complete blackout of his eyes.

I silently pleaded that he wasn't going to stop me from leaving. He dropped his gaze to the floor and shook his head, closed his eyes, and gave up, before walking out of the room. I need to leave before he changes his mind. "Let's go."