We should've stayed friends

what is love if not being "hurt" right?. Cameron's point of view

It was Thursday and I immediately regretted putting myself in the predicament of calling myself Daniels boyfriend. I know and I'm aware of the fact that I'm straight but why the fuck would I do that. Maybe it was out of instinct because everyone on the school already says that we're relationship goals so I don't get the big deal. I'll be okay it was just words I never meant them and I hope Daniel doesn't get attached because of the words that I said. He is a very soft person and he does tend to get attached quick.

What if his already attached to me that would be a problem because in the end I'll just end up breaking his heart because im straight. He does have an affect on me which I don't understand. Even though I'm straight he makes me act, feel and look at him differently. Inside of the classrooms I'm different to what I usually conduct myself outside of the classrooms especially with him. Even his friends have seen the difference in me and maybe if I didn't lead him on I wouldn't be in this predicament.

Initially after I had my heart broken I wanted to break his also but I don't think I can. I got so attached to him and I didn't want to be this attached to him if I was only going to break his heart. Basically he is considered the nicest person if you overlook the fact that his extremely mean. He is so nice to me occasionally but most of the time his mean and I appreciate someone like that. Someone who isn't afraid to put me in my place or lets me know when I've stepped out of line.

I've grown so fond of him that I don't want to hurt him because I'll only end up hurting myself. I've grown to love his moods so much that whenever we don't speak I feel like the world is coming to an end. He makes everything around us seem so small. For most people he is considered insurmountable but to me his my Sun and Moon. I literally considered him to be my starts in the dark sky I praised him so much and he barely took note of it.

He always saw me as being the atypical straight guy who is only being close to him to hurt him. It was literally my intention in the beginning but I started to actually like him but getting attached was honestly something I didn't want to do. I get that I got laid every weekend and that but he made me feel different. Which is why I acted differently around him especially during classes. We had this conversation and it was so nice but turned into something so much more.

So what do you think is your sexuality Daniel?."I told you what it is but I won't shout it from the rooftop or tell everyone in our class." Why do you even like me?. Like more than a friend type of like?."I like you because you act so differently around me than what you do outside during interval, you give me attention and basically it's the little things that matter. "

I can understand that yes but you want me and everyone else also do."They even fighting with me for you and your attention because according to them I have all your attention and time.""Which I know isn't true because you are a hoe and we all know that."I'm not a hoe Daniel it's just everyone wants me basically I'm not considered a hoe."You are only because you have sex every weekend Cameron what would you personally call that?."

I wouldn't call that hoeing Daniel I would call it being sexually active aren't you?. "i'm not unlike you I don't go around having sex." So only because you don't have sex you think everyone who does have sex on a regular basis is considered a hoe?."Ofcourse not it's just the fact that you have sex with almost everyone which is very ominous if you ask me" I do have sex a lot I'll give you that but it's not that much of a deal. "I guess what I'm trying to say is you're rather promiscuous".

I never really intended to hurt Daniel but I don't have a choice but to. I'm too scared of what my friends will think of me or what everyone else will say. He is a great guy and as much as it pains me to do it to him I have no choice. My hands are tied but I'll do it subtlety. He is one of the best people ever to walk this Earth.

I'll try to not lead him on anymore and maybe ignore him here and there. His friends did warn him about me and I'm glad they did so he knows what to expect. I just hope that it does go as smoothly as what I want it to. I can't have another person either hating me or not talking to me. He might understand but his unpredictable he might not take note of me anymore and I won't blame him.

I am a horrible for even allowing him to get this close to me. It's all my fault I should have listened to him when he said I shouldn't talk to him. I really am as terrible of a person as all my Ex's say I am. I left them also and we didn't even date long. I should have just kept my distance from him because now he changed so much.

I made him make me his entire world which is why I'm this pathetic soccer player who doesn't have a girlfriend. He did make me wonder about myself because my mood depended on how my interaction with him was. He basically got me in my feels and he told me this shit would happen and it's rather bad. I don't usually spew such profanities I enunciate them. Me and him use to argue so much because of the fact that everyone on the school was beefing him over me.

I don't even understand why because I'm not that pretty so why would people even beef over me. He made people notice me even more and that's one thing I like about him. He was given attention and he was so nonchalant about it. It's because he was use to the attention that he didn't want it anymore. The spotlight was always on him because he is a "Whole Mood" literally.

Even though he was always mean and would even call me ugly and shit during our arguments but that's what I like about him he didn't fall on his mouth. He would make me feel like I could conquer the world and still somehow be my anchor to the world by reminding me of my faults and keeping me in check. I'm honestly sorry Daniel I know that you like me a lot. I know that you liked me so much that you ignored warning signs and that you made me your world. I don't want to break your heart and make you not want to date anyone because of me.

I really am selfish because I'm more concerned about what my friends think and it shouldn't matter but it does to me. I also have feelings and you got me in them almost everyday for the past year almost seeing as the year is almost over. I started ignoring you after my birthday in September and we're in October now. I really wish there was a easier way out of this mess if I can call it that. I really like you and I hope that you find happiness and that you find someone who isn't a dick like me because honestly you don't deserve me.