THE SHARPEST LIVES ⟶ kylo ren

15. Delusional Conversations

- Jayne's pov -

For weeks on end we traveled through the galaxy in perfect silence. The ship we managed to take had a lot of room for training, and big group discussions. Ben had made the grand decision to bring a large division of troopers to make sure we had protection if put into danger. Currently I shared a seat with Ben as our small group of four discussed where we were off to next. His hand was placed onto my knee, assuring the others that I wasn't up for sale. Which, we didn't have to worry about that since it was only Delilah, and Officer False.

At night I found it hard to sleep. Not once, but twice, I've been ripped away from my home by the hands of Kylo, only now I shouldn't be complaining. Truthfully, I wish he hadn't of been so foolish with his decisions. Not only do we have the resistance on our tails, but also General Hux. We will never be able to shake them off.

"You're quiet," Kylo says, ripping me away from my thoughts. My head turned to face the black haired man as he studied my face.

"Sorry, I'm just thinking." The way he looked at me, I knew he could see what I was thinking about, only I couldn't admit it to his face. I was unable to speak about how I yearned to return to where we were last, or how I wished to see my family again. Deep down, I knew those thoughts would only upset him, and that's not what we needed.

"Don't be afraid. We'll be fine." His words were so simple, so plain. Unsure of what to say, I shifted my eyes back out the window at the stars. "You think me foolish." Not once did his eyes move from my face, he blankly stared. "Surely I've made fatuous choices, Jayne, but this... this is not one of those."

"How could you say that? Ben, we are floating through space, barely managing to keep ourselves alive. Our faces will be posted on every planet if Snoke has anything to do with it. Life is not some game, Kylo. There is no rewind button." My arms folded over my chest as I ranted, but he remained calm, and still. "Look at us."

"I am. I'll tell you again, I am not upset over my decisions, Jayne," he said. "Here I stand by you, gazing out into space. There is not much I could ask for in this moment." Normally, he wasn't one to become sentimental, and I wasn't sure if it was only to reassure me or not. However, I don't see him putting my feelings before his. "Why must you be so hesitant?"

"Because you've never been so... straightforward." I was still frightened by our spontaneous exit plan, so I didn't have time to feel gleeful about his words.

"I have." Certainly he has, but I feel as if he hasn't been so sweet on me these past days. Kylo has been working on getting us to safety, and staying far away from Snoke. I admired his work ethic since I was lacking in navigational skills. "Have I upset you?"

"No. Not completely." In all honesty, my sorrowful feelings have all been caused by my homesickness. This is not a home, and Kylo was not creating an atmosphere where I could somehow create a homey feeling. "Tell me, where is it we're going?"

With a deep sigh, he finally turned his attention out the window. "At some point, we're going to kill General Hux, and take back my righteous position." These fatuous choices would be the death of us, and I knew that all too well. "I can feel your sadness."

"It's a suicide mission. Don't get ahead of yourself." His anger rose at my pessimism, but he concealed it well. "For once, will you just take into consideration what I say? Will you acknowledge my thoughts?" He nods. "You won't be able to do it alone."

"What does that even mean, Jay?"

"You'll need our help. My help." My heart stung for a moment, and I wasn't sure why. It was my decision whether I abetted his plan or not, but it felt like a complicated one. "Thank you for listening, Kylo." Setting down just helmet onto the countertop, he placed his gloved hand on my face as gently as ever.

"Your thoughts are always worth hearing. Even if they are stupid." Another shot to my heart. "If you say this is a suicide mission, you yourself are also in danger. You will stay aboard this ship, awaiting my return. In no way will you be in harms way, my friend." I was strong enough to fend off whatever dared to attack at me, but Kylo didn't see me that way. He still saw me as that woman cowering under a piece of scrap metal, waiting to be kidnapped.

"It's a future event, nowhere near now, correct?" His hand slipped down to my shoulder and he nods before leaving off to his chambers. One could only hope that this future war would end in congruity among groups, or at least some form of it. Kylo is the only reason I'm living, but also the reason I am here on bad terms. There was always something blocking my heart whenever I was with him, and it cursed my feelings, burdening me with sorrow.

Yet, when his hand caresses my face, I couldn't deny the way my stomach flipped, and my heart became heavy. I yearned for him to hold me like he did when we fought, or when we were on Jakku. Feelings of enmity desperately tried to block out the good, causing my whole body to be at war with itself.