virago|c.g.|

xl

Clary couldn't help but scoff hearing the word. It seemed so childish and so far off in comparison to what she actually was: a survivor. "No, assassins are paid to kill, I wasn't. I killed to bring justice. It started off with getting justice for myself, for my people. Then it became getting justice for other people that heard my name and saw someone that could help them." Rick was surprised seeing the confidence falter slightly, allowing for a hint of desperation to shine through. "I started off killing just Saviors, but then I killed anyone who dared hurt another not in the name of survival but just because they could. I killed cold-blooded killers that laughed as they cut into women and children. I killed rapists, terrorists, abusers— those that deserved to die."

Rick watched as she let out a soft breath, her eyes boring into his to see any slight emotion he would display, but they both showed none. "How many?" Clary clenched her jaw, knowing the number might be the reason she would soon be leaving. She removed her sword from its sheath, placing it on the table and sliding it to him. "There's seventeen notches along the sword," Clary spoke before sliding over her switchblade. "There's two on the handle of my knife. And, if you look at my gun, there's five scores on the barrel."

Clary met Rick's eyes to see confusion, not knowing what the marks meant. But, looking into her dark eyes, he realized quickly. "Twenty four lives?" Clary nodded. "Give or take." Rick let out a sharp breath. "So you— you're telling me that you have killed twenty-four people before you came here—"Clary clenched her jaw before shaking her head. "Not people. Monsters. Rapists. Abusers. Anyone that did wrong to those that couldn't defend themselves—that's who I killed." Rick clenched his jaw, fearful of the amount but knowing his body count couldn't be much different. "State you piece, Clary." Clary nodded, looked away from him to see the others looking at her with unrevealing eyes.

Allowing her gaze to fall back upon Rick, she began. "I'm not going to apologize for what I've done, because I did it for my people, just as you have. The old world?" She questioned before shaking her head softly. "It's gone, and as much as we try, things will never be the same. This new world, it gave me a purpose." She let out a laugh. "I— I was nothing. I was just some statistic in a single parent home where my sister tried to raise me. I could never have made it in the old world. I wouldn't have."

Rick clenched his jaw upon seeing the soft gaze in her eyes. "But I became someone in Solaris. I trained night and day and fought for my ranks. And I never stopped fighting, not against the Wolves, the Saviors, walkers, even my own people." Her look of frustration turned into desperation. "You know that I'm a fighter, and you've known that since I came to Alexandria. You've seen the scars."

Clary let out a shaky breath, calming herself before allowing herself to continue. "But that was before I lost everything. And then I came here, to this... oasis." She smiled softly. "This place gave me Glenn and Maggie, who protected my secret without even knowing me. Who show me the love of parents that I never knew of." She let out a soft laugh that could be mistaken for a sharp breath. "I found my best friend after years of not seeing her. I met a boy who has such a big heart that he saved a broken, bloody girl without even knowing her. A boy that stopped at nothing to try and get her to trust him." Clary watched as Rick clenched his jaw at the mention of his son, knowing that whatever decision he makes would affect the boy.

Clary paused for a moment, allowing herself to feel vulnerable because she knew it would be the only thing that perhaps would push Rick to let her to stay. "In Solaris, I was always at war. We didn't live, we just... survived. Sleeping with one eye open even though we had the walls and weapons. I could never think about what would happen next, until it was all I could think about."

Clary looked down at her hands, her heart practically crushing as she thought of the people she had failed. "Losing Solaris, it was hardest hearing silence. No blade against blade or guns firing, just... quiet." She shook her head before looking back up at him. "I was always surrounded by some kind of fight, whether as Commander or the Angel of Death, so losing all of that? I didn't know how to live. You've figured out how to live in peace, and I'm trying to find that peace." Her jaw clenched. "But I'm not afraid. I can look in the mirror and admit to myself what I am." Clary looked at the people around her as she spoke, making sure they knew everything. "I know what I am. I know I'm a killer. And I can admit that to myself just as I can admit it to all of you."