Getting Wilder ✔️

issue twenty-eighth: oh.

All a lie.

I clenched my jaw and glared at nothing. He sighed and dropped his backpack to the floor, sitting on the bed and biting his lip nervously. I remained quiet, looking at anywhere except him when he finally began.

"I...have been in love with you even before you were, Nic," he began. My brain told me it was a lie, but my heart wanted to believe in his words with all its damned self. "But..." he took a shuddering breath. My stomach somersaulted in spite of its stupid self at his words. "I'm...so sorry, Nic. I...I thought I was doing the best thing. I thought I was protecting you from the truth."

I finally looked at him, my curiosity getting the better of me and spoke in a curt voice, "What do you mean?"

He sighed, fixing his gaze on mine. "Your mom...asked me if I was gay. When she saw how close we were getting. I could tell she wouldn't approve of that so...so I went out with Kiara. But then...I...I told you merely to see your reaction and you told me you had feelings for me."

I gaped soundlessly as he continued. 

"I...I talked to your mom. I told her how things were between us and I told her that I wanted to date you. I thought she would understand...I thought she liked me and I didn't want you to sneak around and lie to her. But...she..." he shuddered, biting his lower lip to keep it from trembling. A strange ringing had started in my ears that made it difficult for me to focus on his words. If my mom had been suspicious of my sexuality, she had never expressed it. I thought I had maintained my 'straight' facade pretty well.

"That's why she got Kailey to get Marien to date you. That's why...she...she thought I was making you gay. She believed you had some...some phase or something and that I was playing with your head. And after I told her I wanted to date you, she asked me to cut off all ties with you. And I had to. Because if I didn't...you would know what your mom thought of you being gay and I know how close you are to her and I know the truth would hurt you really bad." He finished hurriedly in a single breath. He clenched his fists tightly on the mattress, his lower lip quivering as if he was physically struggling with something.  "I...figured it was better that you would hate me than you hating her."

Tears suddenly blinded my vision. My brain was incoherent. 

"I...I thought you'll get over me and...I didn't realize how bad you were hurting." He gazed at me silently. "Brad...Brad has a crush on you, Nico. That is why Kailey hated you so much. Because she wanted to be with him. She was jealous, and took her anger and resentment out on you. To be fair, I don't think she actually meant any harm. She was being petty." He shook his head. I could barely understand him. "At the party...he wanted to tell you how he felt. But he envied Marien."

I swayed slightly on the spot, my head suddenly throbbing. His words fell to my ears, but I couldn't string them into coherence. My mom, she had been the reason for the hell I had been through? She was the reason why I cried myself to sleep every night for so long? She was the reason that I lost the most profound relationship I ever had? 

That was why she didn't tell me about Wilder taking me to the hospital. She wanted to paint him a villain in front of my eyes so I would stay away from him. I couldn't believe my own mother would stoop so low. I couldn't imagine ever seeing her in the same light again. 

My chest heaved suddenly, my throat feeling dry, my lungs refusing to cooperate. The world around me that I had known all my life, crashed to my feet like a house of cards. 

"They pulled that glue prank because he was supposed to rescue you to get you to fall for him. But-" his lips tilted in a  slight smile and he shook his head. His eyes became serious again as he continued. "And... I tried to cut you off so bad, Nico," he whispered. If I wasn't already numb, I would have been stunned to see his eyes glistening. "But...when I saw you with her...I realized how fucking hard it was going to be." He bit his lip. "The thing with Kendra was just for show. I know I had been immature but I...I never loved her and she knows it. I think she just kinda hoped somewhere along the way I would. But...I never could, Nico." He gazed at me, his eyes dark with unfathomable depth. "Because I have loved you since forever."

"That...day in t-the kitchen..." I spluttered, my voice was hoarse.

He nodded fervently, rising to his feet as he walked slowly towards me. "She told me off again. That's why I had to leave that day when I dropped you off home when they beat you. She told me off yet again, telling me I was the reason why you were getting into this mess when earlier you were a no trouble kinda boy."

"I never stopped loving you through all the years of knowing you, Nicola Evans," he whispered, walking closer to me and placing his hand against my cheek as he stroked my bottom lip. I gazed into his eyes through my blurry vision. "All that...in the locker room. Bullshit. I was just trying to maintain my facade because..." he shuddered. "I was afraid I would lose social standing." He shook his head, his teeth gritted in revulsion. "I thought I would lose my captaincy and I rode all my dreams on it. I was stupid and I want to make up for it. Because now I realized that... it was I could never rise to your level, Nico." 

He leaned down, brushing his lips against my cheek. "You're so brave. I could never be that way." He held me close, tenderly. His lips travelling to my ear as I shuddered, my throat dry, my heart an inferno of emotions. I melted into his embrace, taking shuddering breaths. Little sparks of electricity seemed to emanate wherever his lips caressed my skin. "So wonderful..." He trailed his lips back to my face and kissed the tip of my nose, leaning back to whisper, "So fucking beautiful."

"Why...why didn't you tell me?" I whispered,  my heart numb, like everything that had happened was suddenly dissolving into nothingness. "Why...we could..."

"I thought I was protecting you from the knowledge, Nico," he whispered. His eyes were swimming with profound emotions, each so intimately intertwined with the other in an eclectic omnibus that I couldn't extricate the love, the sorrow, the guilt or the fear.  But I could sense their presence. "But you were right all along. I want to be brave like you, Nico. I wasn't there for you like I should have all these years. But I would like to now... if you let me."

I leaned back to look at him, my vision blurry. "So I have to choose between you and Brad." I gave a watery chuckle, feeling suddenly light-headed. 

He laughed, nuzzling his nose against mine. "Yeah. Who's plumage do you like better, little bird?"

My heart fluttered. Of course, he had understood. He always did. There was never a question in my heart as to whom I would choose.

Wilder had loved me for who I was. Even with my greatest insecurity. Even when I had been no one. He had had the courage to stand with me when I was all alone.

"I'm...I'm still a little mad at you," I admitted, although I could tangibly feel the pieces of my heart slowly putting themselves together. Just through his words. Just Wilder was enough.

"I would judge you if you weren't, nugget," he whispered softly. 

I laughed and snuggled against his chest, letting my tears drench his t-shirt. He held me close, securely, as if a silent promise to never let me go again.

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