More Than You, More Than Me

Another One

"Negative," Dianne sighed, throwing the test on the bed in front of Joe.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, slipping his hand around her side so he could pull her towards him. Now in her rightful place, tucked into his side, he kissed her temple gently. The hand he had wrapped around her was stroking her ribs and the other was stroking her hair.

"How is it," she sniffed, pausing to regain composure in front of her fiancé, as though he hadn't seen her in this state, "how is it, it took one go, proper go, for El and we didn't even know. And with-" she raised her head to look at the scan photo on one of their windowsills, "you know, we weren't even. But now it's been a year of properly doing everything, not drinking, tracking ovulation, even measuring my bloody temperature and we can't get pregnant, how? I'm not too old, Janette had Eliana and she's like 39. I just don't-"

Joe held her closer as she started to sob, her thoughts too much for her emotions to handle. "Just let it out Dot," he encouraged, his heart breaking for her. For their family. They were both desperate to have another little one, and had been since just before Eleanore's second birthday, feeling like, now she was out if nappies and it was a year on from their miscarriage, it was a good time to think about adding their final one to the mix. Yet, a year on from then with, Ellie enrolled into a little half day nursery, Connie well and truly nine years old and Dianne solely choreographing on strictly, there wasn't so much as a clump of unspecialised cells to show for it.

"I'm so angry at my body, why isn't it working. It's done it all before, without the strict schedule and fuck."

"I know, but please don't be angry at it, I mean first of all, it could be me, we don't know. Secondly, it's doing so much for you, it's given us Eleanore and fed her for a few months, it's held me and Connie when we've needed holding, needed help to feel better. It dances, Dot, it does so much. Please don't hate it, not after it does all that and more."

Dianne sniffed and sighed again, looking at the two negative tests, one that was fancy, now reserved for moments when she thought it was definitely going to be positive, where she had felt unwell or her period was late. And a cheaper one that the doctors used, that she felt gave a pretty accurate result. "Well, this means I'm actually not feeling well."

"Oh Baby, I didn't know. And you did Bellie's bedtime. I'm going to go and check Doodle's in bed and stuff, then I'll be back to look after you, okay?"

"Mmhmm. Kiss her from me?"

"As always," Joe said, kissing her on the lips gently, stealing the tests from his fiancée's hands, placing them in his bedside draw with the others. He shut the door behind him and paused at the top of the stairs, wiping his eyes so there was absolutely no evidence he'd been crying. His daughter was still intuitive and he knew if he appeared with so much as a whiff of tears, she'd push him for an answer of why he'd been crying. And he'd give in because she held a power over him that was terrifying and would have him spilling his darkest secrets quickly, if she had the opportunity.

"Doodle, it's half eight, lights out please?"

"Daddy, I've been thinking," his grown-up little girl said, as she took her dressing gown off and stretched, "my bedtime should definitely be nine now."

"Oh really?" Joe asked, turning the desk lamp off, once he had switched the night light and smaller lamp on her desk.

"Mmhmm. Because Ellie is in bed by like half seven, right? So that means that there would be a whole hour and a half for me, you and Mummy to watch a film then I could just go to bed."

"Ah but, my little Con, when would you read or draw?" That was why Connie was allowed to go to bed at half eight because she would draw or read for half an hour before bed. "You have to have that analogue time in order to wind down bubba."