How Do We Live?

Chapter 6: Origin

"Red... I'm sorry but I need to go home."

I don't know what among my words is not comprehendible because he didn't listen when he grips me on my elbow. Halos bumalik ako na parang spring sa kanya dahil sa lakas ng pagkakahatak niya sa akin refraining me to get out of his room.

"Red! Nasasaktan ako!"

But he wasn't listening. Halos mapatid ako ng bigla na lamang niya akong itulak. I thought I would fall on the floor but the bed behind me caught me pero parang mas lalo lamang akong dinapuan ng takot ng maramdaman ang malambot na bagay sa aking likod. It's not comforting but trading sending me more chills!

"Fuck!" He hissed as I saw him unbuttoning his uniform. Panic got over me kaya naman dali-dali akong tumayo mula sa pagkakasalampak sa kama. I was about to run but he immediately caught me on the waist at ibinalibag ako sa kama.

I can feel my tears forming in my eyes but I couldn't cry now! I won't cry now! Not now!

"Red! Get-off! Please! Don't do this!" My cries are silence when his ravish mouth covered mine. Pilit kong inilihis ang mukha ko but his weight upon me is greater than my restraint from his crimes!

Jesus! Don't let me!

His mouth left mine as he is ruthlessly kissing me down my neck. Naramdaman ko pa ang pagkasira ng uniporme ko habang ang isang kamay niya ay pilit na itinataas ang magkabilang palapusuhan ko sa taas ng aking ulo.

My cries are now loud. Ang takot ay hindi na nakakawala sa sistema ko. I feel helpless as I can feel him poking me already! Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko! I feel like burning! I feel like my whole life is at stake!

I muster all the strength that I have to show him that I don't want this! My tears are not the epitome of my weakness.

Agad kong ipinuwesto sa pagitan ng hita niya ang hita ko. I mutter a silent prayer inside my head before banging his balls with my leg.

"Putang ina!" his growls are horror to my ears as I push him with all the left strength in me. Hindi na ako nag-aksaya pa ng kahit isang Segundo and immediately escape palabas ng kwarto niya.

His room is located on the second floor and it will be a long run but I have no other choice! I have to escape! I must escape!

I grab my phone on the pocket of my skirt and I even want to recite the 'Hail Mary' because of that, buti na lamang at hindi ko iyong tinanggal sa aking bulsa. Habang tumatakbo palabas ay i-dinial ko ang number ni Kuya.

I'm in deep panic. Halos matapilok na ako pababa ng stair case nila but I have no time to think anymore, I just need to escape. My polo shirt is ripped kaya kailangan ko pa iyong hawakan para lamang hindi makita ang panloob ko.

My sweats are beaded... I'm scared to death... Lord please help me.

"Monique?" Kuya Dominique said on the other line. I try to look back habang pababa but there is still no sign of Red. My heart is pounding inside my chest, my breath is pulsating and my mind is clouded with fear itching underneath my skin.

"Kuya! Please! Help me! Nasa bahay ako ni, Red. Kuya!" I shouted when I suddenly felt lifted. My screams are mortifying as I can feel Red's hands grip me and toss me on his shoulder. Ni hindi man lang ako makapalag dahil ang bilis ng pangyayari.

I feel like I've seen the face of the death reaper when I realized that Red has caught me.

"Bitiwan mo ko! Bitawan mo ko!"

"Fuck! I will not! Tangina ka!"

I felt horror in my system ng hindi man lang umubra ng ang palo ko sa kanya. The next thing I knew I was thrown on the bed again. Ang pagkakabalibag niya sa akin ay dama ko sa sakit noon sa aking likod.

I'm frighten by his deadly stare on me. My hysteria is drowning along with my screams when he reaches me.

"Please... Red! Red! Huwag please-" He stuff my mouth with the comforter as he claimed both of my wrist. I can see him unbuckling his belt and all I can do is scream in indistinctive senses as he hovers on top of me. He uses the belt just so he could tie my hands and inclined it at one of the pole at the edge of his bed.

His frame is more massive compare to mine. Kahit anong pilit ko na paalisin siya ay hindi ko nagawa. His stronger than me in any physical aspects but I tried... I tried to fight back...

Pero hindi iyon sapat...

"Parang awa mo na! Please! Please-" My plea is not almost half way ng ibalik niya ang comporter sa aking bibig. He violently intact it on my mouth just so I couldn't scream.

It's mortifying. I feel like being burned in the depths of hell. I feel like I've been crucified by his crimes on me. His hands on me is burning every inch of my skin and I feel like I will vomit every time that our eyes will meet.

He tore me, physically, mentally and emotionally. I can feel him filled me with his sinful desires that even if I submerged myself on the sea of sanctity, it will never wash away the gruesomeness he had done with me.

My cries are silent, as I plead to the Lord how I wish this wouldn't be like this. Why is he forsaken me? Do I deserve this?

He took my purity in the most excruciating way he could possibly do. His torment on me has been engraved on every inch of my skin, marked and can never be undone.

I can feel my cries got louder as he reached his end. One more painful thrust inside of me and I feel like I died while my eyes are still dripping tears.

His breaths are poison to me. I could wish to die now in front of him. I don't want to remember anything. I don't want to be haunted. Just please kill me.

Hindi na tumigil ang luha ko. Hindi natigil ang pagsakit ng katawan ko. Hindi natigil ang pagtangis sa nangyari.

He raped... me

"Tangina mo!" I was mortified by that crazy growl. I can feel my vision blurry but Dominique's mad face is the only thing I could see. His face is red and burning, eyes blood shot.

When his eyes bore over me. I feel ashamed. I feel distress and it's killing me. Hindi dapat niya ako makita sa gantong lagay.

"Tangina mo! Tinarantado mo iyong kapatid ko! Putangina ka papatayin kita!" And he grabs Red and slam his fist on his concrete face. I could only cry in silent until he beats Red to death.

I can even hear his grunt and I swear it wasn't pleasant to my ears. I just want to doze off or die in silent on this bed.

His anger makes his whole body shakes and I fear that he might actually kill Red. That he might actually murder someone...

I try to murmur indistinctive words. And it's painful... to be helpless and be just a girl...

"I'm so sorry! Monique! I'm so sorry! I-I'm s-sorry." My brother is shaking. His eyes are all bloodshot and crying. Hindi ko na lalong mapigilan pa ang luha ko. His dark brown eyes are all washed with tears and redness.

Pilit niyang tinatanggal ang belt sa kamay ko kahit pa sobrang nanginginig siya. He's shivering from the madness that he's in.

"I-I'm s-sorry!-"

I almost scream when he suddenly fell on the side of me. I can even see the shattered porcelain on his side at ang iilan sa kama. Nakalas na niya ang belt sa parehong kamay ko and I almost faint...

Blood... blood is streaming down his head... it's covering the sheet to solid red from light blue. I can almost taste its metallic smell on the tip of my tongue.

"Kuya!"

"Putangina!" 


And suddenly people in uniform is surrounding us. They are now arresting Red. Some guy put out a jacket over me. I can almost felt myself shiver.

Ni hindi ko magalaw si Kuya. He's lying there, blood on his head. I don't know how to put first aid! I don't know what to do anymore!

"Please do a first aid on him!" I shouted and refrain myself from touching Dominique. His blood continuously spread on the sheet. On my hands and some on my arms. I want to puke and scream in so much anger as my heart is shattering into pieces.

I even saw how they arrested Red pero wala, walang gumalaw sa kanila. My cries give me more pain to ache from ng walang tumulong kay kuya. No one attest to lend a hand.

"Kuya, please! T-tulong po! T-tulong po!"

I'm shivering with the mix of emotion set on me. The police officers let out a heavy sigh before slowly shook his head on me.

Mas lalong lumakas ang pag-iyak ko.

"No! No! No!"
"Please! Do first aid! He could be save! Please! Please!"

"You're a police! You practically know it!"

"please! Don't let my brother die!"

"Dominique! You have to wake-up! Dom! Kuya!"

"Kuya please! I love you! I love you!"


Dominique Angelo Roque. Time of death: 6:26 PM. November 27, 2010

And I know half of me died along him.

"Hija... you need to eat." I stare at cream colored room of my bathroom. I feel weak. I feel so tired and dead inside.

Mama is outside my room trying to let me to eat. But I don't have the energy. Ni ayaw ko ng mabuhay.  I feel like existing, hindi pa ako sure.

"Anak! Where are you?" I close my eyes as I submerged myself more on the water. I can even feel my wrist pulsating as it drains blood from me. It's draining everything from me. My mind, senses... everything.

Just like I wanted it... just like how I needed to shut everything down.

"Hija! Monique! Monique!" the pain is resurfacing now. Every seconds that pass the pain doubles from my wrist. I bite my lower lip until I can taste the iron from it, until the thick liquid runs from it down to my chin.

It's painful... and I can almost see my line on the end.

What am I still doing here?

Why am I supposed to live?

In this world full of cruelty.

Laws are bended. Poor are oppressed. Justice is selective. Money symbolize power. And victims are silence.

In this world where nothing is given but the choice to survive.

We live... we live to the goals that are set to us... goals that we should be like this... successful and in reign of their own life but in the end... we will all just die.

Death is one of the most common thing that happens every day but why do we fear it?

How do we live?

How do we live when all of us will eventually die anyway?

I close my eyes and accept my faith. I welcome my heart with all the oblivion that I can see through the darkness.

Pain is inevitable.

Pain is there to make us feel alive.

Pain is part of being human.

And I don't want it anymore.

I let out the cold water envelopes my whole being as I fully prepare myself on the end of everything.

I'm ready.

"Moniqe! Monique! Anak! Honey! Dominiko! Dominiko!"

How do we live?

In a world like this? How do we live?