𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒊𝒕 𝑨𝒍𝒍 𝑭𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝑫𝒐𝒘𝒏 - 13 𝑹𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝑾𝒉𝒚

𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙮-𝙏𝙬𝙤

"Okay," Justin said to me, "You need to listen to these," I watched as he slid a box across the table towards me, "It'll be hard, but I'm sure there will be answers." He seemed nervous, like he was hesitant to let me listen to them. I opened the box he gave me and saw cassette tapes, tach of them were numbered. I stared at them for a moment in silence before I looked up to Justin again, a confused expression on my face. "You're on them."

"What are these?" I asked him, taking out one of the first tapes; studying it. Justin was fidgeting with his fingers, leaning back in his chair. 

"They're her reasons," He seemed confused, "I don't know, Dawn. She left some fucked up tapes and blamed people- like everyone, for what she did."

"You said I'm on them," I asked, "She blames me?"

Justin took the first tape from my hands and placed it back in the box, he closed it. "You can either listen to them alone or with me... It's your choice- I already know what's on them. I just want you to be okay, I don't want you to freak out," Justin handed me a cassette player, waiting for my answer. 

"Okay," I said, "Let's go upstairs," I got up, walking towards the stairs, "I'd like you to be there when I listen," He followed me to my bedroom. I pushed the door open with my foot and walked towards my bed. Justin closed the door behind him and sat down at my desk and I sat on my bed. I took a deep breath, trying to figure out what I was going to hear. What I did to Hannah Baker that was so terrible that she listed me as one of the reasons she killed herself. I put the first tape in, pressing play. 

"Hey, it's Hannah, Hannah Baker," Goosebumps rose on my skin once I heard her voice, knowing that it was just an empty voice that no longer belonged to someone that was alive. "That's right, don't adjust your- whatever device you're listening to this on... It's me, live and in stereo, no return engagements, no encore, and this time absolutely no requests- get a snack, settle in. Cause I'm about to tell you the story of my life." 

Justin looked over at me, he bit his lip as he studied my facial expressions. He was trying to figure out how I felt at the moment, "She killed herself a couple of nights ago," I then said, "I just heard about it from my fucking parents, when did you get the tapes?" 

"They showed up on my doorstep last night," He told me, "I have no idea who put them there," I sighed, looking back down at the player, pressing play once again. Continuing to listen to what Hannah had to say. 

"The rules here are pretty simple. There are only two. Rule number one- you listen, number two- you pass it on. Hopefully neither one will be easy. It's not supposed to be easy, or I would have sent you an MP3. When you're done listening to all thirteen sides, because there are thirteen sides to every story... Rewind the tapes, put them back in the box and pass them on to the next person."

"Justin," I said to him, "What did I do? I tried being her friend."

"You just have to listen," He told me; he stood up and walked over to sit next to me on my bed. I sighed, looking towards the ground before I took a deep breath, continuing to listen to Hannah's introduction. She explained how her killing herself was not a spur of the moment decision, that people took her for granted. There are no copies of the tapes, there was a map, it had spots marked out on it, where things took place or places that were important to her. 

"Put your finger on 'C,' your other finger on '4.' Bring them together. That's our first red star, I know right? A map, old school." 

I followed her instructions, placing my fingers on the map and finding the first red star. I quickly stood up, not saying anything. Justin followed me out of the house, we got into my car and I drove to the spot that was on the map. As we neared it, I realized it was her house. I stopped down the road, not wanting to invade her parents' space. They just lost their daughter, there was no reason for someone to be snooping around outside their house. 

"You've arrived at my first house in this shitty town, where I threw my first and only party. Where I met Justin Foley, the subject of our first tape."

I sighed, I looked over at Justin. He was sitting there in silence, I placed my hand on his. I had no idea if I was more nervous for my own tape or to listen to the rest of his. I had no idea if Justin did something to her other than the one photo that circulated. If they were closer than I thought, maybe they really did date more seriously than what I initially thought. 

"Justin, you were in love with my friend Kat. My only friend. So, you see, that's where the trouble began, that smile. That damned smile." 

I remember that night. The night I met Hannah. How Justin and Zach were outside wrestling in the yard, getting sprayed by the sprinklers. How he looked at Hannah, smiling at her before he and Zach left. How could I blame her? Justin was gorgeous, he had charisma; she told me about him, just never told me his name. I only heard about the two of them from Justin, days later. 

"The one and only Kat moved away before the start of school. She was the kind of friend that couldn't be replaced. Even by falling in love with the boy she left behind. Being Kat's boyfriend was kind of the only remarkable thing about you, but, you were my kryptonite." 

I let out a huff of air. I felt as if I was melting in my seat, I stared at her house that was down the road. She was in love with Justin? I never realized it was that serious, I thought it was just a harmless crush. I realized that the night she walked in on me and Justin must have really hurt her. 

"I know what you're all thinking- Hannah Baker is a slut. Oops, did you catch that? I just said Hannah Baker is... I can't say that anymore." 

Even at Hannah's lowest point, she was joking about something. I don't think I could relate to that. I wished there was something I could have done, something that I could have caught on to. Maybe she was giving me clues to how she really felt all along and I never realized it. I should have never pushed her away. Hannah continued to talk about their first date, at the park, what happened. What really happened. 

"That's all that happened. We kissed.  Why? Did you hear something else? Nope, we just kissed... Sorry to disappoint you, but I guess now we're even."

"Wait," I paused the tape, looking over to Justin, "That's it?" He avoided my gaze as I questioned him, "Everyone said you guys had sex, all of that- you just kissed?"

"Yeah," He shrugged, "Just kissed- the picture made everyone think it was more than that. I sighed as I pressed play on the cassette player once more. 

"So, thank you, Justin. Sincerely. My very first was wonderful, what came after my first kiss? Not so wonderful. I'm not angry you betrayed me, I'm angry that I trusted you in the first place. A rumor based on a kiss ruined in a memory that I hoped would be special. In fact, it ruined just about everything- as soon you'll see. So, stick around, Justin. I'm not through with you yet. Turn the tape over for more." 

I listened until the tape stopped. I was quiet, I had no idea what to expect next. What she was going to say, what I did to her. I knew that something in me didn't want to listen to any of the other tapes. But, I needed to know what I did to her that hurt her so bad that I was one of they reasons she ended her life. How was it anyone's fault?