virago|c.g.|

xxiii

•••

As night blanketed Alexandria in darkness, very few figures could be seen in soft glow of porch lights and lanterns. One of them was Clary as she walked through the barren roads, making her way towards Carl's home after checking up on Enid to see how she was doing. She knew Enid hadn't been necessarily close to Pete, having learned of his abusive tendencies towards the boys and Jessie, but his death had still shaken her. Even worse was Ron becoming distant, which had terrified her friend. Clary had been unable to do much, leaving her to sleep as she knew Enid well enough to know that, when she needed to think, she would rather be alone.

However, as Clary's boots scraped against the asphalt with her slow steps, her thoughts bled away as as saw a figure making its way from the main gate. As it approached, Clary realized it was Deanna, the woman still in the trancelike state she had been when losing her husband. "Deanna?" Clary questioned, approaching the woman who continued to walk. She slowed down slightly, seeing the woman paid no mind to her. "Hey, Deanna, are you o—" as Clary reached out to touch her shoulder, the woman spun around. Clary was surprised when the woman grabbed tightly onto her arm, the grip almost bruising. "You said we would need you to survive. We do. But why didn't my husband get that chance to live? Why?"

Clary had known the stench of alcohol from a young age that it didn't even take a second to recognize its familiar scent coating the woman's breath. The teenager could only shake her head softly, glancing to the bruising grip still tight upon her arm. "We don't get to control who lives and who dies. What happened to Reg was a terrible accident, and Pete didn't get away with it. It wasn't fair, but we just have to continue on." The woman's eyes met hers and they were bloodshot, almost scaring Clary as she wanted to step back but couldn't. "How do you do it? Lose your people, family, childhood... all of it. How do you just lose it and just 'continue on'?" Clary clenched her jaw, knowing she had no real answer, but she could see the desperation in the woman's eyes. She needed an answer, so Clary gave her the only one she could. "I— I don't think I am," Clary admitted to the woman, surprise appearing in Deanna's eyes before she continued. "But I try to go on, for them. For those I lost. I try to survive to tomorrow because they didn't get the chance to."

It was with those words that the woman nodded softly before letting go, realizing how tight the grip had been. Surprisingly, she patted the spot, almost as if in apology. Clary's eyes softened as she saw what the woman had endured had broken her, realizing she wasn't just the strong woman she had perceived her to be, rather just human. "I'm sorry about Reg. I— I can't even imagine how that feels like," Clary admitted, having never felt the strength of the bond she knew the two shared.

Reg had been the builder of hope and creator to everything Alexandria had housed while Deanna was the leader. She recognized how much a leader needed hope, and it was as if Deanna had lost hers. "He was the love of my life," Deanna said softly, her sad gaze falling upon the girl. "You were right when you said I was scared of you. Not because of what you could take from me, but because of how much you remind me of myself." Clary was surprised at those words, staying silent as the woman held her arms. "You are a leader, Clarissa, and I can't deny that. You are ambitious and you are cunning and you are strong. But you won't live until you find your hope. I wouldn't have if I didn't find Reg. And one day, just as I did, you'll find this person that doesn't complete you, no... they'll show you how to be complete yourself. They will make you feel whole because they'll show you that you weren't missing any pieces, you just couldn't find them within you." Clary was surprised to hear a laugh from the woman. "You are sharp and you are cold as ice because that is who you have to be. But they will be kind and hopeful and full of light. And when you find them, that person you'd do anything for— be anything for? You hold onto them. You protect them. You love them. Don't lose them. They may be the one good thing you'll have left in this world." Clary didn't get to say anything as the woman departed, leaving the teenager behind with her mind full of questions.

Clary remained in the middle of the road until the woman was long gone, trying to grasp onto the ramblings of either a wise or drunk woman, she didn't know. She pushed aside the thought as she continued towards Carl's home, knocking upon the door. It took a few moments before it opened to reveal Carol, the smile upon the woman's face widening. "Clary, it's good to see you, Carl said there was a chance you'd stop by. He's upstairs with Judith." Clary nodded, Carol welcoming her in before the girl made her way upstairs.

Clary was able to find the room considering it was right where hers was just on the opposite side. She saw the door open a crack, the girl pushing the door open to see Carl bouncing Judith as he walked. Hearing his door open, Carl turned towards it to see the girl walk in, a smile emerging on his face. "Hey, I didn't think you'd actually come." Clary only shrugged, a ghost of a smile on her face. "Well, I admit I mostly came for Judith. Who I'm guessing—" she pointed to the young child in his arms and he nodded. Clary moved closer, the little girl's eyes landing on her before she smiled. Seeing the exchange, Carl looked to the teenage girl. "You wanna hold her?" Clary's eyes widened at the suggestion. "Oh, I— I don't know—" Carl raised an eyebrow, wondering if she didn't, but he saw her eyes give away that she already adored the young girl. "Come on, you'll be fine." Clary didn't want to admit to him that the last child she had held had been her niece, Layla. Her sister and Leon had taken in the child after her parents had died, quickly seeing the two as her parents as she was too young to see any different. Clary didn't want to imagine what had happened to the young girl, the thought placing a deep hurt in her chest.

Nonetheless, Clary held open her arms before Carl place the child in them. The little girl smiled, clasping her hands around the braid Clary wore to keep her long fair out of her face. The child then moved her hands to cradle Clary's face, her pale skin contrasting from Clary's deeper tones. Clary couldn't help but smile as the child gurgled, laughing. "She's beautiful." Carl nodded softly. "Yeah she— she is." Carl didn't admit that when he heard beautiful, he wanted to say that watching Clary with his sister, the kindness in her gaze, was beautiful. His head battled with his heart, knowing he shouldn't be seeing her in such a way when previously they hadn't even been friends. To push down the rising infatuation, he took a step away. "Are you going on the dry run tomorrow?" Carl questioned, surprised as the girl shook his head. "No, Glenn wants me to stay here to keep watch over everything and, he won't admit it, but to watch over Maggie too," Clary said, shrugging. "I'm okay with it though, we need to make sure everything is in order here anyways." Carl nodded and the two sat in silence, which broke as Judith's laughed filled the air, causing the two teens to smile.

Carl got up, moving to the side of his bed before grabbing the sheathed sword Clary had let him borrow, holding it out to her. "I wanted to thank you, for training me. I'm good enough to take down walkers but I know that people are more dangerous, and you're getting me ready for that. So thank you." As he tried to give it back, Clary smiled before shaking his head, pushing the sword back to him. "That sword only collects dust, I've got mine." Seeing the confusion upon the boy's face, Clary laughed softly. "I want you to have it, make sure you can protect yourself when I'm not around to save your ass." Carl's eyes widened as he looked at her hand on the sword, which she let go of. He looked at it in a new light as she spoke again. "It's a true warriors weapon," she declared, the boy noticing the softening eyes she held as she looked at the weapon. "It belonged to Millie, it was her backup when she couldn't use her bow. She'd want it put to good use." Carl looked back at the girl, unsure if he should take the weapon. Clary had opened up to him more about her past, Millie being mentioned a few times. He knew they had been... close, maybe closer than she let on. "Are you sure? You don't—" Clary waved off his concern. "I'm sure. And it's a two part gift, so..." Clary pulled something brown from her pocket and placed it in his hand.

Carl was surprised as he looked at it, placing the blade on his bed before examining the cuff. He was surprised to see an embossed sun in the leather, and S under it. Looking inside, he was surprised to see a pocket, a small blade hidden within. "There, now you also have a cuff with a hidden knife. It's how I got out from the ropes when we got nabbed." Clary beckoned Carl to her, taking the cuff from his hand and tying it around his wrist tight enough to stay on yet loose enough to grab the small blade in the pocket in the cuff.  "Thank you, Clary this— this means a lot." Clary only smiled, meeting the boys blue gaze before nodding softly. "I think you deserved a little something, especially putting up with me not being the nicest person to you." The two smiled to each other in a deeper understanding before playing with the young girl that Clary swears was the reason she came.