falling [asanoya/ennotana] 🌦

Every Single Feeling

.tanaka.

"alright, so every single feeling..."

i sighed.

where to start?

"take your time to collect your thoughts, it's fine. however long you need," noya reassured.

i nodded.

"thanks."

i sat on the pillow pile on his floor as i had gotten tired of pacing and standing.

i pulled a pillow over my head as i thought about where to start, and as i decided on a good point, i brought the pillow down to hug against my chest.

"alright, so it begins at the same place, saturday, as you already know. i mean, i didn't think about it too much immediately- like i said, i did a quick evaluation of every single interaction, but like... in general. it would've taken way too long if i thought about everything in depth. but yeah, while you were still at my house, i was mostly distracted from thinking about it, but from sunday night to now, i haven't been able to get it out of my head."

"right, right."

"so since then i've been really confused, and-"

"i think you've mentioned that before."

"bro! we've been over this! wait for an appropriate opening before talking instead of interrupting!"

"ah, sorry, i forgot. i'll try to be quiet."

"so, it's been really weird... trying to imagine myself with another guy, like... ugh, this feels awkward to talk about."

"bro. look who you're talking to. first of all, we're best friends, and like i said, nothing is tmi. second of all, i'm gay as fuck. no need to feel embarrassed about any of this."

"yeah, you're right. but it also feels weird cuz i've been 'the completely straight guy' for so long and i feel like talking about this will make you think of me weirdly."

"you know what? that's a valid concern, but you're fine. some people don't figure out their sexuality for a long time, so it doesn't matter if you've been 'completely straight' your entire life and you're just now starting to question it. not everyone figures these things out as a kid or teenager. besides, you're still pretty young anyway, and we haven't known each other for that long if you think about it, even if it feels like we have. another thing: i also haven't had my sexuality figured out for that long either. like i mentioned, it was only about the beginning of this year that i started to accept and understand it."

"yeah, i guess you're right... maybe it's not so strange after all..."

"you're all good, buddy."

"okay, so... every single feeling, huh? well, like i said, my interactions with him have felt different ever since saturday, and like... i can't stop thinking about him. and... sometimes i imagine, like... going on dates with him, or holding his hand, or even kissing him." my face burned. "and... i'm not exactly sure what it all means, but i definitely don't hate the idea? it... it actually seems kind of nice."

"aww, you're in love!"

i sat straight up from my reclined position.

"who said anything about love?!"

"oops, sorry. there i go with my big mouth again. let me correct myself: aww, you have a crush!"

i sighed and collapsed back onto the pillow pile.

"i mean... maybe? i'm starting to actually think i might like him... the other day, when i went to talk to kiyoko and yachi about it-"

"oh yeah! how did that-"