falling [asanoya/ennotana] 🌦

tanaka's Confusion

a/n: realized i've been neglecting tanka's side of the story and only been focusing on the asanoya sadness, so here's tanaka being... well... confused.

.tanaka.

this had all started when noya was first at my house venting about being stressed to talk to asahi. that was three days ago, and these have probably been three of the most stressful days of my life.

he had brought up the idea that i might like ennoshita, which i honestly hadn't thought about much before, but now... now it was almost all i could think about.

and every time i did think about it, i got this horrible feeling like there was a pit in my stomach. my chest ached, there was a lump in my throat, and it got harder to breathe.

my entire life, i had thought i was straight and never wondered otherwise. of course, i had lgbt friends, and always completely supported them, but i never thought about it for myself.

in fact, i actually had a crush on kiyoko for a long time in my first year, but i had been over that for a while. of course she was beautiful, and nice, and smelled like flowers blooming on a fresh, spring morning, but she was just a good friend now, and someone to look up to.

but now... ennoshita, whom i had been friends with for the longest time...

of course i could admit that he was good looking- objectively, of course- and i always enjoyed spending time with him... but did i like him like him?

it was monday night, and i was currently on the phone, venting to saeko.

"ugh, okay, but i'm seriously so confused. i'll think about it really hard, and every time i think i maybe have at least a tiny bit figured out, i think about it again and it's like, 'nope, never mind,' and arghhhh." i kicked my legs around a bit, messing up my bedsheets.

"yeah, i know it can be really frustrating. also, do you think you could give a bit more of a clear example? what part do you think you have figured out before changing your mind?"

"well, sometimes i'm like, 'well... i guess i could see myself dating him...' but then i think about what it would be like just dating any guy in general, and it's like, 'nah, fam, not for me,' and it's annoying and confusing and i hate it here. here being my brain."

"well, you know... you don't have to be bisexual to like a guy..."

"that literally makes no sense. what does that even mean?"

"well, technically you could be bi, with just a very low amount of attraction to guys, since attraction isn't always 50/50 between two genders. you could just have a large preference for girls over boys. or what i was suggesting earlier. there's something called heteroflexible, which is basically when you're mostly straight, but there may be an exception or two. in this case, ennoshita would be the exception for you."

"why have i never heard of this before?"

"well, it's not as widespread or talked about as much as other lgbt identities."

"yeah, you can say that again."

"it's not as widespread or talked about as-"

"i was being sarcastic."

she laughed. "right."

i sighed heavily.

"oh no," she said. "you're still upset, what's wrong?"

"well... it's nice to be able to talk to you about this, but..."

i squirmed uncomfortably. i wish it wasn't true, and i didn't want to say it, but...