honey coated nightmares

Im Not Cool

"Sorry to cancel last minute,it's just that there is a lot going on."
even though there is nothing going on.
The only thing that's going on
is in my head.
And let's just face it,
I've tried countless outfits but still
I look fat.

You see your friends, they don't even call you.
they do but i get anxious and
I chew the sim card and
pretend that i lost my phone or
I don't recognize the number.
real friends visit.
we put a lock on the door,
closed all the windows
and play dead when someone starts knocking.
I'm sure that's inviting.

"Likhona, how are you?"
I feel like i'm falling
into a bottomless space,
i came from nowhere.
Inside i'm praying for an impact
but i say
"I'm okay."
because what i feel
and what i see
are harder to explain.

"Stop deleting your texts babe."
"Why do you read so much?"
"She is a shy and timid child, doesn't say much."
"You are always tired"
I delete because you took too long to answer,
I analyzed and saw a grammatical error
or the sentence structure was incorrect,
was it passive, was the tense okay.
omg,he's going to think i'm dumb
... delete.

No i'm not shy!
but you don't listen.
my words
disguised as silence
They dance with the wind.
Look into my eyes ,
you'd hear the voices in my head.

I'm not timid!
It's just...
i start thinking about
how my stomach folds,
it's going to distract you
and that distracts me.
I tried so hard,
hiding it behind the pillow.
"Is that why you wear oversized clothes?"

I'm always tired.
Frustrated about that one mark.
I don't sleep the night,
mornings are so hard.
Having to beg my mind
to allow my body to get up.
It's exhausting to take a shower
trying to remember
i have to eat.
I hope i don't throw up.
I unlock the door,
I get out.

Your eyes staring.
My heart start racing,
vision blurry
body,
voluntarily moving .
Knees,
crushing
trying to support the weight
of my numb body.
I reach out in my tote,
hands on a book.
A protection from
the discomfort i feel
in the body i have known
my entire life .

TO BE CONTINUED