Open Heart: Second Year {On Halt}

Chapter 18- All the Colors we Cannot see

(Be advised: Contains brief flashes of trauma) 

The following morning, I came in early, hoping to catch Ethan before anybody else.

Unfortunately, Ethan wasn't in his office but I didn't see my file anywhere on the table. A small hope built inside. Maybe he was going to listen after all and everything would be alright. We could brag in some high-profile clients and the offset would make sure the community clinic stayed open.

Then I realized that his office was empty.

Nothing could stop me from looking around a bit, under the wraps, the desks...the drawers and laptop to find anything...anything about him which could give me answers concerning his life. If he stored them here of course, but something may turn up.

My hands itched.

And I shook it off.

I would never do that to him. Break his trust. What was a love with no trust here?

With a last glance, I left his office just as it was and padded into the conference room, thinking to kill the time by pondering upon the latest journal issues and enjoying a moment of solace in the busy work-load. Dear God, being a doctor is never easy...a suspicion rose in my mind. Perhaps this sluggish feeling was because of those two months of begrudging vacation.

The presentation board was still displaying Evelyn's case, along with few others but they were labeled at 'base two priority'.

DD had a mode of distinguishing cases according to their severity with respect to the patient. Of course, every case was brought forward in anticipation of being solved as quickly as possible—hence the reputation, but there were some cases which were picky enough to bite us. Evelyn's case was such, and hence it was tagged as 'Base one priority'.

The cases didn't decided to wheeze around like slotting machines. No. Rather they came in altogether to throw us off balance. My first week was mostly spent with wide-eyed, dreamy and inspired gaze focusing on June, Baz and Ethan. The way they evaluated each and every case with ingenious expertise was equal to witnessing the unraveled mysteries of ancient earth. That's the gist of the department, actually. To solve the mysteries that defied us humans. And Naveen had begun it, taking a path away from traditional methods to involve brilliant minds over time and teach them the true value of medicine.

I understood why Ethan was so outraged in reverting back to the main mundane diagnostic stream. It was Naveen's legacy and he didn't want to fail him. But deep down, I knew it was not only because Ethan wanted to make sure the endowment lived on but also because he wanted to cure himself out of the nightmare he spent searching for disorders which provoked Naveen's failing health. And he subsequently failed to find it.

I remembered the exhausted and torn expression contorting his face. I was an intern then...mostly scared and intimidated by him. He never let anyone see it while working but I never saw him in the plain sight. I always saw him differently from others because he dominated the pyramid of incommensurable.

But there was a pessimistic trait of him as well, which I discovered. Perhaps it was because how his life was or perhaps failure did hurt him, but Ethan never gave himself or anything a second chance. If he failed, that's it. There's nothing more to be done except lament on it and never forget. When we reluctantly discharged Naveen, Ethan simply slammed his id on Harper's hand and resigned from hospital, not even thinking about the patients—lest of all me.

And then he drowned himself in his own misery of failures, unwilling to give another shot. If it wasn't for me, I don't know what would actually have happened to Naveen because Ethan simply didn't want to look into his case anymore. He though there was nothing beyond failure except the end line.