Silently Falling in Love: Race (THE EDITED VERSION)

Chapter 44 - Guilt

Alex October 1996

On Sunday Anna was back from Paris. I pushed out of my mind what had happened last weekend and it had been easy since Anna wasn't here. But she was coming over to my place in an hour. I took my second shower this morning, as if another shower could wipe off the guilt that followed me everywhere. How could I have let things go so far with Anjali? How was I going to look Anna in the eye as if nothing had happened?

I toweled off for the second time this morning and pulled out another set of clean clothes even though I'd only wore the first set for a few hours. I wondered if this was how Christina felt the first time she cheated on me.

I dressed for a second time and I closed my eyes and recited Ik Onkar in my head several times. As if reciting a mantra could absolve me from a sin. I hadn't gone to church or gurdwara in so long. I hadn't really done anything religious in a long time, and yet today I seemed to recite Sikh prayers as I swam in a pool of Catholic guilt.

I didn't realize how fast time went by because before I was ready; I heard Anna at my door.

I walked to the entrance to greet her.

Anna threw her arms around me, "Hello, gorgeous!"

I swallowed, "Missed me?"

"You know I did."

"How was Paris?"

"Oh, Alex, it was awesome! The energy there it's so exciting, and I met so many people, people that I think will really help me take my career to the next level."

"You look happy," was all I could muster as she continued to gush about Paris.

"I am thrilled, but you don't look happy to see me."

"Just late-night last night," I said, trying to keep the guilt from being obvious.

"You had a late night? Couldn't sleep or you stayed up working?"

"I couldn't sleep," which was the truth.

"You must have had a lame workout then or not enough time outside. You're always restless when you haven't burned off enough energy," Anna said as she slid her hand along my chest.

"Listen, I was thinking we should grab lunch before I head to the office," I offered. There was no way I could have sex with Anna with the guilt floating around me.

"Oh, I didn't realize you had to go into the office today," Anna said disappointed.

"I wasn't planning on it, it's a last-minute emergency."

"Yeah sure let's go to lunch and then you can go back to the office," Anna said after we gathered our stuff and headed out the door. I didn't give her much of a choice, and she thankfully didn't try to keep us in my apartment.

"How was Andrew's party last week?"

Panic gripped me throughout my body, "It was fun. Excellent whiskey and you never will believe this, but Chase thought this guy was a girl, and he hit on her, let's just say it was the best part of the night!"

Anna asked about the details of Chase and his adventures with the tall blond trans. I was more than happy to talk about that than what happened at the end of the night.

"I wish I had been there! That must have been worth every minute."

I looked at Anna and I couldn't decide whether it was good she wasn't there. Had she been there, the thing with Anjali would never have happened. But if the thing with Anjali had never happened...

Somehow, we got through lunch, and I left for work and told her not to wait up for me, it would be a late night.

Anjali