Infinite Love: A Diary of Remembrance

The Suffering

January 6, 2020: 9:33pm-9:58pm

I am extremely lost. I have never before felt so at odds with reality and myself. I find myself absolutely craving the escape of LSD, weed, shrooms, or even death. LSD because it can make literally anything feel like heaven, weed because it gives you company when alone. Shrooms because I want something other than my shitty view of things. Death because one of two things will happen, I'll truly meet God, or everything will stop. No more pain and humiliation. No more excitement or joy either. If I meet God then I would definitely not be worthy of heaven for I am far too attached to the material world. Oh yeah, and I'm kind of being crushed internally by my dreams being shattered because of doubt and anxiety and self-hate. I do hear voices. Most of the time I don't catch what they say, but I clearly heard my name "Alex" loud-whispered into my right ear from about ten feet away. Feminine voice. Seeing lights and distortions of perspective. Been way too depressed. I don't want to self harm anymore, I want to get better. I wish I knew what to believe. I want truth. I'm not crazy.

I wish I knew why I struggled so much in my daily life. I do feel special, but other times I beat myself up so bad about ever thinking I could possibly mean something in all of this.

I think I am very sick. I fear the loss of my mind. But what if I am right.

January 7, 2020: 9:56am-10:15am

Feeling very calm, I suppose. Read some chapters of the Gita this morning and I still feel a little unsure. I have no idea how one dispells doubt. Arthritis in my thumb making it hard to write for very long. And fingers. I feel distant. I want to have finally given up this world. I want to be rid of pain and suffering. I want to be rid of false joy and experience true eternal happiness. I want to climb trees. I want to run away from this life. I want God to be real. Hare Krsna! I can believe and have faith that someone in front of me who promises something will keep their promise. In the case of God, not only am I having to have faith that a promise will be kept; I am also having to have faith that the promise holder even exists, because God has never stood in front of me. I feel like I have been urged to write things by God's will, but this could simply be insanity. I'm afraid that this generation is being left in the dark for some reason. We have seen no miracle, have spoken to no messiah, have been told of shown no "evidence" of God. Of course, there is the everything around us, but it has no arms and no legs.

^^ 3:02pm-unknown

Austerities from the Gita

of Body

1. Worship of the Supreme Lord, the brahmanas, the spiritual master, and superiors.

2. Cleanliness

3. Simplicity

4. Celibacy

5. Non-violence/peace

of Speech, speeaking words that are...

1. Truthful

2. Pleasing

3. Beneficial

4. not agitating to others

5. And regularly reciting Vedic literature

of Mind

1. Satisfaction

2. Simplicity

3. Gravity

4. Self-control

5. Purification of one's existence

^^ 10:26pm-10:58pm

I think my depression is lightening up a bit. I'm excited for the school semester despite how much I want all things, including myself, to end. I just want to feel better. Why do I have so many things but nowhere to put them? I found a contradiction in the Gita, today. Just one.

I am such a distracted person.

I'm probably going to trip on LSD in the next week, likely this Sunday if I'm correct about being off. I should be getting one or two tabs this Friday. I feel like I have to restore some kind of balance or reset my life. I'm trying not to have expectations. Maybe I should wait. I think it's good/better to do it now though because it is before school starts next Monday. I don't have much craving at all for weed, but if I have a lot I will smoke it fast. I don't much care for its effects anymore. I get sleepy and don't get much done on weed. Going to maybe eat some chips and salsa because depression food. Will watch Game Grumps while eating. I wanna cry. I love you all.

January 8, 2020: 3:40pm-3:55pm

Just went on a walk. One lap around the apartment. One hit off a weed filled backwood that someone offered me has me feeling quite high. Good weed.

Work was alright, I'm getting better at managing cashier because I have a system where I take the seated guests and organize them into shapes like triangles, rhombuses, and constelations like the little dipper. It lets me know that whenever the shape is gone that I have to go clean a table and possibly sweep. Dealing with customers and having to make so much eye contact really is draining for me. Sometimes my body gets weak, too. I don't know if it's because of the time of day or if it's because I'm low on vitamin B12. Trying to read more instead of using the computer. It makes me happy to read a god story.

January 9, 2020: 11:02pm-11:30pm

Sitting on my bed about to try to go to sleep. The smell of weed from my roommate and friends smoking and chatting and playing music is a little overwhelming. Plus, they are loud and distracting and will probs keep me from sleeping.

Me and my friend Abby talked more today than in a while because she was overwhelmed by me and wanted me to stop liking her romantically. I told her I'm over it and this is what got her talking a little bit. I'm not 100% over it, but I'm accepting of the fact that I need to be if I want her in my life at all. I don't know why it always has to be that way. Like, always having to go, "Okay okay I'll bend to your will just please stay with me and give me comfort." But I guess comfort implies romantic feelings in me because I've had near no experiences of platonic comfort. Maybe that's completely false. If I lay with someone then I always want them to be there, but apparently you can't do this platonically. Laying (not sex) with someone always makes me want to hold them tight and be with them because they provided me with comfort and presence.

I want someone to wake up with and to walk with and to climb and meditate with. Someone to make dinner for and with. Someone.

I long for a time when a physical being is there for me and truly loves me.

I'm crying. I don't think anyone could ever love me in such a way.

If someone does exist, though, there is no question that I would love them back and be there for them.

That's all for tonight, I guess.

January 11, 2020: 2:22am-2:28am

I'm about to trip on LSD for the first time since before the hospital. I was going to trip after I woke up, but couldn't sleep and will drop the tab soon. Cooking up some gumbo to have a nice, warm meal to start with because I am starving.

Work was pretty awful. I was on fries and it got pretty busy and I almost couldn't handle it. I remember my breathing getting out of whack like I would start panicking. I got through, though.

Next weekend I'm going to do a 24hr meditation to protest the violence against Iran, war, and violence in general. I hope it goes well.

^^ 4:44pm-4:55pm

I'm all done with the trip. All in all I think I learned a lot about myself. I cried so much, trying not to be heard. I felt lost and pathetic, but after it was done I began traveling to a friend's house to chat. It turned out that they weren't going to be able to meet with me, so I stopped and meditated. The meditation was painful until I began mindful prostrations. I was no longer focused on the past or future, pain or discomfort, calm or happiness. I was simply mindful of the here and now, of my sitting, of distractions, of feelings and of thoughts. Not dwelling on them or assigning them to be good or bad, just being aware. I would like to become more mindful each day and to give respectful prostrations to mindfulness, meditation, and all souls enlightened and not. To respect my journey and to accept my place in the world of oneness and Dharma. Dharma is Dharma. sitting...