The Cray Cray One Shots! (One Direction One Shots)

The Cray Cray Cactus

The Cray Cray Cactus (A Liam Payne One Shot)

"Hey guys, I need some fresh air, I'm going to go walk 'round town!" I call to the boys, Louis, Harry, Niall, and Zayn. "Kk bye Liam!" They all call at the exact same time.

So, I walk outside, and hop on my pink and purple tricycle, that Michael Jackson gave me a couple days ago. I put on my swag barbie shades, and ride to down town London. As I'm riding down the sidewalk, I get mobbed by our fans.

Like, what? I never get mobbed by fans when I go out in public without security!! like.... EVER!!!! What is going on here? They all attack me and rip off my shirt and pants, but luckily I have a spare outfit in my back pocket. Too bad the fans took my back pocket with them when they took my pants.

Oh well, riding around London on a tricycle in your underwear is in right now anyways. So after I take out my rifle ( I keep a spare one in my sock for emergencies) and threaten the fans, they finally go away.

I keep riding around,  enjoying the summer air. Oh wait, it's winter... well whatever, enjoying the winter air, I come across a cute little cactus.

Well, more like a big cactus. It's like, 90 feet tall!! ok, ok I'm exaggerating, it was like a foot and a half, but whatever, same thing!

"Aww hey dere widdle cactus wactus!" I coo, petting it gently. Suddenly, I feel an extreme pain in my hand. huh? what's that about?

There is no reason that my hand should hurt! all I'm doing is petting a dang cactus! Ugh, what is wrong with the world these days.

Suddenly, the cactus takes a spoon off of a nearby exotic antelope, and starts waving it in my face. I scream at the top of my lungs, and start pedaling away on my tricycle. I look back and the cactus is following me, waving the spoon all around.

I scream louder, and pedal harder, until I am back at the house I share with the boys. I come to a stop in our driveway, and look back behind me. Whew! the cactus is gone.

I get up off my tricycle, and run in the door, and slam it behind me. I stand there panting. I hear no noise coming from our house, so I slowly walk into the kitchen. "Zayn? Louis? Harry? Niall?" I call. "We're upstairs!" I hear four voices call.

No reply? that's strange! Usually there's an instant reply when I call their names. "You guys! answer me!" I call again. "Dude, we did answer you!" Zayn says walking down the stairs.

"Oh my god will you shut up? you're ruining the dramatic effect!" I say angrily, throwing a random book at his head. He passes out and falls down the stairs.

By this time, I'm starting to get worried, because I can tell that the boys aren't home, because if they were home, they would have answered when I called their names!

I frantically search the kitchen for any note they may have left me, saying they went out. I tear apart the drawers and cupboards, when I finally spot a giant neon post it with flashing lights taped to the fridge.

It reads: Hi Liam, we're upstairs. Please do not throw a book at Zayn's head again! last time he fell down the stairs and broke his legs. we don't need that again do we?

I was confused for a minute, but then I gasped in realization. The boys were speaking in code! But what did it mean? I had to figure it out!

 I start trying to decode it piece by piece. Hi we're upstairs, must mean, 'we've been kidnapped by orange and purple rabid bananas!!' That just had to be it!

And then Please do not throw a book at Zayn's head again! must mean, 'do not panic! we have tazors and cell phones so we can taze the bananas and then call the po po after we've tazed them!'