The Cray Cray One Shots! (One Direction One Shots)

The Cray Cray Groom

Zayn's P.O.V

I wake up at one in the morning with a HUGE headache, so I decide to go outside for some fresh air. I fall out of my bed and drag myself literally to the washroom to brush my teeth. I get off the floor and look for my toothbrush. 

"Huh." I say, scrambling through the various toothbrushes. "Where's mine..." I say, talking to myself because it's completely normal. I can't find that damn toothbrush anywhere so I grab Liam's exotic plant and rip a branch off of it and squirt some toothpaste on, brushing my teeth normally. After I'm done, I throw the branch out of the window and since I'm on the third floor of the house I hear a loud "OW, FUCKING TWIG." come from the outside. Oh well.

I use my awesome spiderman powers, that Peter Parker lent me for the week by squeezing my fingers on my wrist and a shot of web comes out, sticking to the door frame. I swing myself yelling like Tarzan because it makes me feel special. 

"OH HAY ZAYN YOU'RE AWAKE!!!" Niall shouts from the kitchen. 

"Hey Niall! Whatcha eating?" I ask him, slinging my arm around his shoulder. 

"Marijuana chicken." he replies, chewing his mouth.

"OOO. MARIJUANA?!?!" I scream and grab some from Niall's plate.

"HEY. MY MARIJUANA CHICKEN. GO GET UR OWN." Niall shouts before walking away with his plate. I stare at the piece of Marijuana chicken I had stolen and pop it into my mouth. It tastes like chicken...and Marijuana...combined. A piece of heaven.

I go outside and use my spider skills to launch through the street swinging from one lamp to another. On the way I kick this random guy on the face and he falls to the floor and starts bleeding to death. Oh well, he'll be fine. As I'm swinging I hear this very abnormal sound. It sounds like a whale, or something. I stop shooting my webs and drop down on the ground glancing behind me.

"IS ANYONE THERE?" I scream but no one replies, although someone threw a shoe at my head and told me to shut the fuck up. Grouchy people.

"MMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Huh, that sounds so much like a whale. What is going on here? Suddenly I hear it again, but closer, "MMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOO!!!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE YOU RAPIST WHALE!" I scream while a fat old lady is walking by. She turns around and hits me over the back of the head with her cane. Then, everything goes black. 

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"HELLLOOOOO........HELLLOOOOOOOOO?!?!?!" A melodic voice snaps me out of my dream. "HAY U SEXY BEAST. VAS HAPPENIN?" I open my eyes immediately at my familiar phrase. My eyes focus on a plain face, well no face...well how do I put this. He had a face, but there were NO features like NADA, NOTHING AT ALL. 

"OH YOURE AWAKE!!" exclaims the faceless dude. I don't even know how that works, but you know, whatever.. "aye, wassup man" I say, getting up off the giant yellow sponge I was laying on.

"Spongebob, your duties have been fulfilled, go back to your pineapple now." says the faceless man. "AYE AYE CAPTAIN!!" says the sponge I was laying on. It gets up and flies out of the cave we're in. The faceless chick turns towards me.

"My name's Slenderman." He says extending his koodie covered hand out at me. 

"EWWW GERMS. GET AWAY FROM ME YOU RATCHET HOE." I scream and throw an exotic antelope at him. Slenderman ducks and gets his Harry Potter wand and yells,

"DIE." and a spell comes out and hits me in the crotch. 

"AHHHHHHHHHH MY MANLYNESS!!!!!" I scream in Payne and fall on the ground.