Hi readers! Sorry for the delayed update, my internet has been really bad and refused to let me upload any chapters, so I'll be posting two today to make up for it. Don't forget to give feedback and vote! xx
The second Liam left the treehouse, Sam collapsed onto a sofa. She'd been holding herself together all day, being cheery and joyous for Liam, but she couldn't do it any more. Sitting there she stared off in the distance, letting her eyes glaze over as her mind wandered. She had no desire to cry, she just really needed some alone time to think. The papers dropped off by Obi remained discarded on the kitchen counter. She couldn't distract herself with those, they would have to wait till later. Right now, all she needed to do was reflect on what she was feeling.
Her mind was still conflicted, the loss and jealousy still nagging at her brain despite her happiness for Liam. The jealousy she could explain. She could understand that she was jealous of Liam's happiness, wanting her own, and jealous of María, his new mate, for getting to spend the rest of her life by Liam's side. But the sensation of loss was confusing her. It suggested that she had held out hope for her and Liam, a hope that she'd never consciously been aware of. Or it could suggest that she'd never wanted him to find his mate, and felt like she'd lost him as a friend because of it. he felt like she'd lost him to this other woman. But although this explanation would have made sense at the beginning of the day, when she'd first discovered the news, the fact that Liam had chosen to spend the entire day with her to make sure she was comfortable with the update showed her that she hadn't lost her friend. Which meant that the reason for the sensation of loss she was feeling must be because of the first reason.
But Sam couldn't believe that she had subconsciously been holding out hope for a relationship with Liam. She knew she was greatly attracted to him, that she couldn't deny. I mean who wouldn't be, he's fucking gorgeous, and a total badass. She also knew that deep down she loved him. But she'd always thought of them as friends and had loved him as such, never anything more. Yet the loss she felt suggested that she had felt more, or at least had seen the possibility of something more.
The realisation left her mind reeling. She assumed that the latter was more likely, as she was sure that although she felt a sexual attraction to Liam, she had never thought of him as a potential mate. But entertaining the possibility subconsciously, that was definitely something she thought she was capable of.
Sam rose from the sofa, pacing around the room. Her mind wouldn't settle and her body itched for movement. She needed to calm her racing mind, so she quickly stripped her clothes off, leaving the treehouse and shifting as soon as she touched the ground.
The stretching sensation felt amazing after a day of being in her human form and she let go of all conscious thought as she bounded off into the forest, letting her paws lead the way as her mind drifted off.
The run gave Sam the chance for her thoughts to calm, allowing her to come to terms with the discovery of her hidden feelings for Liam. As they had been subconscious, she thought it safe to say that she wouldn't feel bad for too long. Her feelings felt more crush like rather than connoting anything more serious. But after only a few minutes of running, she couldn't help but wonder what else this meant, and once again her mind went haywire.
Does it mean I also love Aiden subconsciously? That seemed likely. But what worried her more was the realisation that one of the choices she thought she had to make had been made for her. She no longer had to choose between Aiden and Liam. But the realisation didn't fill her heart with joy as she had expected it to. Yes, a part of her leapt at the thought of being of being with Aiden, making her feel light and free. But she mainly felt fearful, a lump of fear rising in the back of her throat.
As she returned to the treehouse, her thoughts no calmer than when she had left, the prospects of her return to the packhouse brought dread to her heart. Now that Liam had mated, she could return to the house to see if Aiden was her mate. But her mind rebelled at the thought. And she realised the truth.
This wasn't about whether she could choose Aiden, or Liam, or goddess knows who else. This was about whether she was ready to let herself love. And she knew from all the books she'd read that to let yourself love someone else, you had to love yourself.
It makes sense. I'm terrified of judgment, of someone rejecting me. Terrified of what they'll think when they know the truth. Convinced they will see me as a monster. And yes, Aiden ran away at first when he heard, but that's only because he thought I'd killed his family. When he found out I hadn't, he came back. And he hasn't treated me any differently since then. So my fear must originate from my own unacceptance of myself. Of my own belief in my monstrosity. My inability to feel love, to commit to someone, to risk finding my mate, stems from the lack of love I hold for myself.
But I like who I am. I wouldn't be anyone else even if I had the choice. I love my confidence, my strength. So why can't I learn to love myself? Immediately her mind flashed back to her life in the basements of the DIR, the things she had done to survive, the things she had done because she believed she enjoyed it at the time, the rush of power she got from the kills. She knew exactly why she couldn't love herself. She hated the reasons why she had become the way she was. Even though the person she was now was someone she was proud of, she hated the path she had taken to get here, which meant she could never truly love herself.
And if I can't love myself, how can I ever let someone else love me.
***
The walls were closing in. The silvered walls of her nightmare trapped Sam as panic gripped her. She looked around frantically for the small black gap, her hope for escape. But it was nowhere to be seen. She was surrounded by the walls. They shone in a half-light, although Sam couldn't make out its source. Despite their comforting shimmer, their knife-like sheen was disillusioning, and Sam recognised the real threat they presented. Desperate for escape, Sam levered herself against the wall behind her, pushing with all her weight, frantically attempting to stop its slow advance. Yet her efforts were ineffective and she watched on anxiously as the walls continued their gradual approach.
She couldn't help the tears streaming down her face. Except this time she wasn't crying from fear or desperation. But from the realisation that every time she fought her way out of this nightmare, she was fighting for survival. Fighting to live another day, because that's what she had been trained to do. But she had never been fighting for herself. She had not once fought to escape because she thought she deserved it. At the realisation her muscles weakened, and as she beat the walls she felt the weight of her arms dragging her down, pulling her to the floor. She couldn't even summon the power to lift her arms. Calling on her Alpha power she tried again, yet it was in vain. Her muscles were unresponsive as she lied on the ground. She howled, curling herself into a foetal position. Letting her sadness and agony of not loving herself to wash through her.
Who loves themselves so little that they won't even fight for themselves? She stopped trying, no longer attempting to move her cold muscles. Resigned she glanced upwards as the ceiling fell towards her, gaining speed as if it could sense her inability to fight. As it pressed into her side, she felt the air being pushed out of her lungs, her ribcage hurting from the pressure. She heard, rather than felt, her ribs cracking. She was no longer within her body, but instead, she was looking down on it. She took in the pale skin, the closed eyes, the curled hair fanned out on the floor. Streams of tears poured down her cheeks, and Sam realised that all she wanted to do was to rescue the poor girl who had lost all hope. She didn't want the frail creature before her to die, she wanted to give her a chance to survive. But it was more than that. She wanted to give her a chance to a live, something she had never had before.
With the realisation, she felt herself suddenly flying towards the figure, jolting back into her body. Her muscles remained unresponsive, but this time Sam fought against the block. Pushing through the pain, forcing herself to hammer against the incoming walls. Gradually, she felt the power return to her muscles. Letting out a scream, she released the emotions built up within her, all the hatred, the loss, the sadness, the fear. With a bright flash the walls around her shattered, turning to silver dust that fluttered around her.
YOU ARE READING
Permission to escape - The Rogue Pack
Werewolf"You, I was thinking of you" she admitted. Aiden groaned, curling his hands around's Sam's waist as she spoke, her words like an enchantment to his ears. Her body fit into his perfectly, her short height of 5'2'' only adding to his sense of dominanc...
