Randomness/Nothing Important

Okay, so..

Today is not a good day for me. I don't exactly know why. But it just isn't. I know that I'm not okay. And it's become a fact by now. I still don't understand how it took this long for me to figure out what was wrong. But I do have a lot of things wrong with me right now. And I don't know how to handle them.

I thought of suicide. But that's not an option anymore, is it? Man...I wanted it so badly. So badly to use the knife and stab myself in the chest. But..I'm too scared. Too scared to die. Because who knows what the after life is like? What is going to be there? And who? Where will I go? Heaven or Hell? Will you have to pay for all the sins you made?

These thoughts run in my head a lot. Which causes me not to focus. And I'm sorry. Which also makes me want to shut people out. Because I feel like...it won't help if I talk. Because no matter how hard I try to say what's wrong, no one will understand.

And every day of my life has its ups and downs. And everyone keeps telling me that it's going to be okay. Everyone keeps telling me to move on, stay positive, don't die, think happy thoughts, and just do what is right.

But you never know what the person behind the screen actually feels.

So whenever someone tells me that they care...I feel like it could be a lie. I feel like they're just saying it, because they want to. And for all I know, they could be laughing about it on their side. Which makes me overthink a lot of things. And I'm sorry. I'm just tired and scared. I have a lot of bad thoughts.

Which means I have a lot to say.

And I know that I'll never be able to say all of my problems, because it's too much. Too much of a mess, and too much to explain. But in short terms, I guess I could say that I'm a mistake. I feel like my mom didn't want me.

And you know what broke me even more?

A few months ago, she told me that when she was pregnant for me, she hoped for a boy. But whenever I came...she started crying. She told me that she said she didn't know what she was going to do with a girl. She didn't want ME. I'm a mistake now. She technically told me that I was. And guess what? I act like a boy. And I tell her that. I tell her that this is the closest she's going to get, yet she laughs every time. And it kills me.

But now I want to be a boy. I want to be one so badly.

Damn, my mother doesn't even like Pride Month. So I guess we can't celebrate that. And I just got dumped...so that's fun.

I want to tell her how I feel. I want her to understand me. Yet I push her away. And I lie. And I act happy. She even almost found out that I was depressed. Out phones are linked, so she kinda knows what I do. And when she goes on Google, she can see what I search.

And she saw that I looked up depressed pictures and lines.

She questioned me. And I said I wasn't. Then she told me....

"Are you sure? Because I for sure don't need to find you lying on the bathroom floor with a knife and a bunch of cuts on your arms and have to bring you to the emergency room."

Yep....hehe...I like that thought.....just....not her taking me to get help.

I'm rambling. And sorry. But I'm not. It's my book, I can do what I want. It's my life, I can do what I want. I can take it if I want to. I can hurt myself if I want to. I can speak if I want to. I can do what I want to. And if anybody has a problem with that.....

I don't know.

But I'm tired.

And sick of all of this.

I'm tired of being blamed for things I don't do.

And I'm for sure being tired of being called stupid for not knowing one little simple thing I could've done.

So thank you mother. You've been a real help in my life. I'm a mistake, right? Well so are you.

I'm done.

Goodbye....