Meeting Marshall Mathers: The Relapse Era

Chapter 26

We both stood in silence. I had no idea how I was feeling, and by the looks of it as Marshall still glared at the test in his had he didn't know either...

"You look relieved" I spoke with confusion as I watched his facial expression closely,

"I mean I guess. But I won't front, for a minute there.. I almost, kinda wanted it to be positive" he handed me it back,

"What?" I frowned,
"No Marshall, look.." I passed him over the instructions, as he read over them I could literally see the colour drain away from his face,

"But there's one line, shouldn't there be a cross for positive?" he snatched the test back off me and looked at it and then back to the paper,

"On some tests yes but not this one"

"We're pregnant?" He gave me the bug eyed look,

"Mhm" I bit in my lip with major concern, about to cry, I could feel it bubbling up into my eyes,

"AH FUCK!" he dropped the box and the test and cupped his mouth with both hands,

"Marshall I..." I began to cry as he stepped to me and hugged me, the thought of having to have another abortion knocked me sick, I wasn't mentally prepared for it,
"I did everything right I promise" I was so worried of him thinking that I hadn't done everything right,

"I know, it's just" he tried to come to terms with it,
"Fuck!" He took a moment,
"We'll... fuck, we'll think of somethin'" he rubbed up and down my back as I sobbed into his chest,
"Man..." He sounded so deflated, like he couldn't get his head around it, well neither could I,

"I can't do it again... I can't" I mumbled through tears, all the regrets and the guilt that I had from last time taking the pill and it banishing me from motherhood was enough to make me never want to do it again, even if I wasn't ready for motherhood itself.

"Look..." He pulled me away from him to give me direct eye contact,
"I can't believe I'm gonna ask this, but... Do you really want the baby?"

"Do I want it?" I looked at him with repulse, "How could you ask me that? I can't have another abortion, I just can't"

"So you're saying you ain't gonna go see the doctor?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying! You know what, the last time I got rid of the pregnancy I felt so ashamed and so guilty, and the time before that I miscarried to my first ever boyfriend, my mum had so much trouble carrying, it took her 5 tries until she finally had me, and pregnancy complications are genetic, so maybe this is the third and final chance for me. I can't put my mind or body through it again"

"I get that" he swallowed down whatever he had in mind to say to me and looked down at the floor, mouth open as he thought of something else to say,
"I just... I don't fuckin' know what to say right now. I don't know how I should be feelin' or.. what I'm feelin'" he hopelessly shrugged,
"The fuck do I do now..."

"Well..." I wiped under my eye and sniffled up, "I can do this on my own... back in England"

"Don't be so fucking stupid Jodie" he scowled and tutted,

"What nobody has to know you're the father, I can say I cheated on you or.."

"Are you listening to yourself?!" He stressed at me,
"You.. you think I'd let you fly back to England pregnant with my baby and have it and raise it without it ever having a fuckin' clue who it's dad was? What the fuck? You forgetting that I've been there? I know what it's like to not have a fuckin' dad, low life motherfucker didn't give a fuck, do you know how that feels when all the other kids dads went to take 'em to play football and I was stuck in doors with a deadbeat mom?! When kids dads would stick up for 'em, teach 'em how to handle the bully's, whilst I was gettin' chased from school gettin' some beat down 'cause I was fuckin' white? The feeling of your dad not wanting shit to do wit' you? Feeling never good enough? You think I want that for my child too?"