Windows To The Brain

Fazed and Fragile

Now that I'm taking time for myself and reflecting, I'm realizing some messed up shit.

It's become part of our social interactions to think that you are the reason for someone being horrible or bitter.
Saying sorry to them over and over so they would finally respond to you.

It might be something genetically. It could also be how we're treated.
Like shit.

It must have been your fault because it usually is, isn't it?
Uhm. No.

Finally getting one of my walls back up helped me regain my cold appearance and demeanor again. Make myself look unapproachable so no one bothers me. That way I can work on the other walls that were destroyed.

You don't owe them that sorry. They decided to leave you and ignore you for a period of time without explanation? Don't apologise unless they tell you why. If they can't tell you why then why, why still apologize.

Self worth and knowing how I should treated came back to me.

Why the hell do I need to answer to you. A person that doesn't have power over me. If you want to pursue me, then do it.

Leaving me without an explanation and then saying I did something wrong without actually saying what was wrong isn't right.

Even coming to a point in a relationship where you assume you did something wrong either shows that you have low confidence, (love yourself boo) or you've come face to face with someone who will almost always push the blame onto you. They don't try to improve themselves.
Only you.

You don't need to answer to them.

It's been 38 hours of brainstorming how to continue this chapter but I low-key don't know how so I'm gonna go into some other thoughts

EXPECTATIONS

It can either hold you back or push you to strive to met those expectations.

The stress of the expectations can make you crumble. Crumble like a cracker.
(I don't fuckin know)

Those overbearing thoughts and opinions shoved towards me by everyone I've met. Every single one of them helps in the crumbling of yours truly.

Saying what I should've done. Explaining to me who I am. Or at least who I've let you believe I was. The conversations of what could've happened became normal. Draining your confidence.

Draining your social battery and your will to listen. Only you don't want to listen anymore.

You've become a robot. Nodding and training yourself to say the correct answers and responses to their questions.

They trust your responses even if they're half-assed and fake.
You didn't let them get to know you.
No one has ever fully gotten to know you.

Just parts.
Only the parts you let them.
You purposely seem like an open book so they don't as questions or get too curious.
Because if they got too curious they would see that fragile person that hides in the center of the chaos.
That chaos of your heart and mind.

Some people get closer to some parts of you while others don't.
The walls and the boundaries and distractions you place in front of people stop them from fully knowing you.

Occasionally you'd step back and question why you would do that.
Why stop people from getting close to you when you yearn for someone to truly know your mind. Your heart. Maybe even those little details on your skin.

Not really knowing what your reason for doing all of these things scares you more.

If you long for the close and intimate relationship then why stop it from happening.

Probably so you wouldn't get hurt.

So when a relationship comes crashing down on you, it doesn't hurt as much. A couple bruises may be left on your heart but there hasn't been a stab wound yet.

So when that person decides to get up and leave...they can't say anything against you. Because they don't know anymore then anybody else.

So when they threaten to spread rumors and bad-mouth you, you'd be able to scream back at them questions they can't answer.

Are you sure you actually know me?

What do you even know about me intimately besides how my lips feel?

How did I get some of my scars?

Do you know why I insist on having walls up and insist on never letting anybody in?

Why do you think I act this way?

What do you even think you know?

They would stumble over their words to prove that they knew the answers to any of those questions.

You knew they would because you would never give opportunity to tell them any of those answers.

Maybe it was just you being a grumpy, closed-off asshole.

It wouldn't matter.

Those pieces every person would take from your heart would be replaced.
The pieces would be replaced with more walls.

The next person would have to try harder to get through.

Just like the first.