Windows To The Brain

Strained and Flooded

You feel it in your muscles after you try and lift something too heavy. You might stop trying to lift it immediately or you were too stubborn to give up and continue to try and lift it. After plopping whatever you lifted or tried to lift your muscles feel stringy and weak. Even if you aren't necessarily weak. You may feel straining in your chest before you cry. The weight on your shoulder coming back before finally letting go and letting it all out. The twitch in your fingers you feel when someone's hurt or that instinct kicks it, but you need to strain yourself because it isn't your place to help or do anything. Maybe that twitch to reach out to someone or that twitch to get up and dance or belt out lyrics when a song comes on. You restrain yourself though. 

Always restraining your instincts and stopping yourself from doing something that feels completely natural.

You just need to let it happen. No worries, no second guesses.

Confess your feelings even if you might get rejected. Say your opinion even if it's different from the majority. Wear that shirt you were too scared to wear because your friends don't like the band.

Easier said than done right?

Wrong.

Once you get a firm grip on who you are, you just don't care.

That strain may come back occasionally, but thats how you get stronger.

Even if it hurts.

The hurt could be trapped inside your chest. Is that the strain you feel or is it from something completely different?

Finding where the strain and pressure is coming from brings it to your attention. Making the thoughts and reasons it's trapped inside your chest in the first place come to the front of your mind again. Pushing at the flood gates. Pushing at those certain thoughts you shoved down in the back of your head for those exact reasons. Because you never wanted to face that problem. Because of fear. The fear of being so damn vulnerable. Or the fear of facing your feelings. Maybe it's not even fear. Maybe you thought you would resolve this problem but then forgot or left it alone, thinking it would fix itself. 

Thining everything would be okay.

The random rush of sadness when seeing a picture or quote that makes you realize you never really had what you want or what you thought you had.

Those flood gates were shoved open unwillingly. Unwillingly crying at that moment. The moment of conversation you promised yourself you'd never have. Crying in front of people you promised yourself would never see you weak. Yet here you are holding back tears. One slips through, then one after the other they start falling wordlessly as the realization hits you.

Because you told yourself this conversation would never come up.

You told yourself.

Maybe it's best to just let it out.