Madelaine Petsch One Shots ♡

Eating disorder - ♧

¡Trigger warning!

Guilt. That's all I felt after I entered my trailer and looked in the mirror. Guilt that I ate that much and guilt that I still looked like this. Those exact thoughts have been chasing me for a while now. I mean no wonders, I'm surrounded by all the other gorgeous girls on set everyday and then I look at myself and just hate what I see. My thoughts are interrupted when the door opens and reveals my smiling girlfriend who slowly enters.
"Are you ok? You left pretty quickly after lunch", she looked at me light worry in her eyes.
"Yeah of course! I was just so overwhelmed by how nice everyone is again", I fake smiled eventhough I didn't even lie, the cast truly was amazing. She continued to look at me through the mirror clearly trying to get behind the wall I've so carefully been putting up over the last month.
"Hey if there's something you wanna talk about you know I'm always here for you but I won't pressure you, just wanted you to know"
"I'm fine, really but thanks" I reassured once more before I turned away and got my phone out to look up the time.
"I only have 20 minutes left till I have a scene I think I should go. Love you"
One kiss on the cheek and I was outside again, mentally preparing myself for my next scene. I was of course already in costume which was a midwaist jeans and blue croptop, which just leaded to me trying to hide the exposed skin. I don't know what our custume designer thought when she picked this out or if I accidentally grabbed someone elses clothes because this clearly did not look good me. I went to where the scene would take place and looked around. I saw the director talking to the camera man with the mic guy next to him. A few younger people who were happy to have gotten the opportunity to be here and just tried not to get in the way were looking around with big eyes. And then I spotted my cast mates laughing and goofing around together. In the next scene there would be me, Cami, Lilli and KJ so everyone else was probably still at lunch or in their trailers. I joined the group and just stood next to them, amazed by how happy everyone seemed. Eventually the director called out our names and we started shooting the scene.

The scene went really well besides Cole joining the team and looking at KJ weirdly which made him break character so we had to start again a few times before we were finally done. The next scene wouldn't involve my character so I wandered off searching for a certain redhead which I quickly found in Vanessas trailer, of course she would be here. I heard them talking inside and it sounded like they were recording something so I decide to scare them by running in screaming like I just saw Penelope Blossom with a customer in Thistle house. The two girls started screaming as well while Vanessa literally fell of her chair. It ended with all of us laughing so hard it actually hurt. After I calmed down again I got in the trailer fully and saw they were in fact filming a YouTube video with Mads' camera. I sat down in her lap, snuggled closer to her and whispered a quietly "Hey there " in her ear. She just giggled and put her arms around me.
"Oh for real", we heard from the corner Vanessa had landed in, "I already feel lonely enough, thanks guys", she complained while getting up and brushing dust of her pants. I grinned at her sheepishly and just squeezed Madelaine one more time before pulling away and sitting down on her couch.
"Well it's not our fault you decided to marry a football star who would obviously have to train a lot and not have the time to come by" I said and made Vanessa pout at us. Madelaine just chuckled while I gave Vanessa a sign to come over and cuddle both of us, which she gratefully followed. Mads joined us on the couch so that Vanessa was the the middle of our sandwich and we could hug her from both sides.

Later that day the others announced their idea to grab food together and just have a chill evening at some restaurant which had opened up just a couple days ago and they wanted to try out. Of course I couldn't let them down and I thought that maybe this could actually be fun. So hours later I found Mads and myself approaching the door, her glowing as the natural beauty she was and me being kind of happy with how my look turned out. We ate and had a real fun time until Maddy looked over at me, her smile dropping when she saw that I had maybe eaten half of my already small order. She looked at me questioning and I just mouthed that I wasn't really hungry to her. She didn't seem very satisfied but was ok with it for the moment. I excused myself to go to the toilet. While I was washing my hands I looked at myself in the mirror and let my eyes wander down my body. The only thing I could think about was how great someone thinner than me would look in it. I got a really sick feeling in my stomach and went in one of the cabines again. I locked the door and kneeled down, my head over the toilet. I had never done this before and I knew that it was dangerous and could get out of hand quickly but I just wanted to get rid of this feeling. So I trew everything I had just eaten up and washed down the drain. After washing my hands and my mouth, I fixed my lipstick applied some mouth spray and went back to our table. The evening went by and I truly laughed sometimes, happy to be there.