lonely heart // c.h.

12. 'in like'

TW // mentions of self-harm

i don't think this day will ever end.

i have been out with kelsie all. day. for promo, and i have decided that if it was legal, she would no longer be on this earth. she is entirely too clingy and my arm hurts just from her hanging off of it. although, i guess it's just because it's her, i don't think i would mind kenzie hanging off of my arm like this, i'd love to show her off as mine.

so far, we've been out to the malls, the boutiques, the expensive ass stores that sell white t-shirts for $200, and now we're going out for lunch. the only highlight to my day has been seeing fans that actually have genuine smiles on their face when they look at me, rather than the fake, gold-digging smile i've been stuck with for the past six hours.

i give up on the fake smile when she leans up to kiss me and a camera flash goes off. i can't push her off, so i have to sit there, silently fuming, and purse my lips, refusing to kiss back.

when we get back to the hotel that we're staying in for the upcoming concert, i can see luke, ash, and kenzie coming down the elevator, and i would never admit to it, but i literally drooled at the sight of what she was wearing. it was a rose gold, satin dress that hugged all of her curves, the thin straps curving over her shoulders, the end of it barely reaching mid thigh, and a slit that cut even farther up. the only thing i could think was how much i wanted to rip it off of her and drag my tongue in every place the dress had been covering up. she had on a gold chain, that looked remarkably like ashton's, and small gold hoops dangling from her ears, and her hair was in a ponytail on the top of her head, falling in loose waves with little fly-aways that framed her face perfectly. she had this stuff on her eyes that made them look really smokey and dark, but it made her green eyes shine brighter than he's ever seen them, and her cheeks are slightly pink and she's getting closer and i feel like i'm going to faint with the overwhelming amount of adoration i have for this beautiful woman just by looking  at her.

i expected a greeting, or a smile, or at least eye contact as she walked past me. but there was nothing, she just kept walking, as if i wasn't there at all, another stranger. and it fucking hurts. 

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did i follow them to the restaurant they were going to? maybe.

but i'm not crazy, i just don't want anyone else's greedy eyes on my girl, especially when she's looking like that.

i get a table next to theirs, but it's a booth so they can't see me. and as soon as they get their drinks i hear kenzie's sweet voice fill my ears.

"i don't know what to do guys, i know it's a fake relationship, but he looked so happy with her in the pictures. everytime i see them together, my chest gets this awful tight feeling and i can't help but want to rip her off of him and take her place. what does that even mean? i don't know anymore. i just miss being in his arms and i miss watching princess movies with him and i miss being around him when i feel like a baby because he always knows the right thing to do to make me feel comfy but these last couple of weeks have been so hard because i feel like i can't be myself and kelsie is just UGH. i wish she would just go away. why does she get him? why can't i just get one thing in life that i want? can't i be the selfish one for once. i want him, i want calum. holy goodness gracious guys, i'm so in like with him." 

i can vaguely hear luke and ash chuckling, "in like" is such a kenzie thing to say, and i'm smiling so hard before i hear her voice again, quieter this time.

"i took kelsie's advice. i didn't realize what i was doing until after i did it, but afterwards i felt, i don't know, better? like i had deserved it. maybe she's right, maybe if i just keep cutting at my wrists, one day i'll end up with my brother, i'm not really sure who would miss me. i kind of hope you guys would. but we haven't known each other long so it's probably just wishful thinking, you guys would get over me pretty quick. i don't know, the only thing i've been able to think for the past week is 'does he miss me just like i miss him?' and every time i think he might, kelsie shows up and proves to me that i'm not worth missing."

i don't hear luke's answer, i'm too busy putting money on the table to pay for my meal and getting out of there before anyone sees the tears running down my cheeks in sadness for the broken little girl back in that restaurant. and i can't help but feel as if i'm the one that broke her.

when i get back to my hotel room, i make a promise to myself to piece together the mess that is kenzie faye, because it took me this long to realize that i'm a little bit more than in like with her.