this is worse than i thought. kenzie is perfect. not only is she one of the best photographer i've ever met (don't tell andy), but she has taken it upon herself to be our personal maid and cook on tour. she runs our errands while we're at soundcheck, buys our groceries, does our laundries, cooks and bakes the most delicious meals you will ever eat, and does it all willingly and submissively. i hate it.
she makes it so hard for me to hate her. if i could just hate her, i wouldn't have to worry about breaking this little girl. she's been through so much, she doesn't need me clinging to her as my only lifeline. because if i get to close, that's exactly what will happen.
but when she comes into my room with my freshly folded laundry in a basket and the brightest smile on her face directed right at me, i can't help but melt a little bit.
"um, i'm sorry if i'm bothering you, but i have your laundry ready. is there a good place in here you would like me to put it?" her voice is still soft with me, unlike the confident and firm voice that she uses with the other boys.
"in the corner is fine." my tone is neutral, bored. maybe if i seem uninterested she'll go away.
she didn't.
"is there anything else i can do for you? i can clean your room, get you food. are you thirsty? i can get you a water if you'd like. oh also, i'm, um, taking dinner requests so if you want anything just tell me and i can-"
"why are you such a tryhard?" i asked. don't get mad at me, i was just wondering.
"oh. um, i was just trying to make tour easier for you guys. it can be stressful and i know that michael usually gets anxious on tour, so i make him tea. and then ashton gets his depressive spirals, so i make sure his room is clean so he doesn't get frazzled. and luke overworks himself, so i help with his errands so he can get to bed at a more decent time. and you, well, um, you tend to drink your stress away instead of talking to someone about it, so i thought i could be someone you could talk to about anything. if that was what you wanted of course." she sounded so sincere it almost made want to actually talk to her about my problems. but, instead, i decide to be a dick to keep her away.
"look, sweetheart, it's great and all that you want to play the cook-maid-kissup-therapist mashup shit that you've got going on, but we don't need you. you're our tour photographer until andy comes back and then you'll be gone and no one will even know who you are. and as for the 'drinking away my stress,' that's none of your business. i'm not your brother, i don't need fixing. now get out of my room, i'm busy." okay so i admit, that was a little harsh.
her eyes are teary, and she's fidgeting again, but there's this different aura around her, she seems younger, more childish. little. and when she talked, that's when i know i fucked up.
" i is sowwy i isn't good enough, i will go now. i sowwy." her voice is cracking, and she's trying really hard to not stutter, and i immediately feel worse than i already did. but i roll my eyes and go back to scrolling on my phone, hoping the guilt isn't showing in my eyes. although, maybe i hope it is.
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about an hour later, i still feel awful, if not worse. i get up to get some food, having not eaten much today. on my way to the kitchen, i pass kenzie's room.
"you're okay. just because the person you look up to in this world thinks you're a worthless tryhard who can't do anything right, does not mean you actually are." she's talking to herself in her mirror. "and you have got to learn how to control when you regress. you can't regress around calum, no matter how many times you've thought about him taking care of you, he doesn't care about you the way you want him to. being little around him only gives him more of a reason to make fun of you, and if he does that, it'll be high school and mom and dad's house all over again. and you don't want to go back to that hell. you're okay on your own, you always have been. you have to be. you're all you've got." her voice breaks on the last word, and she looks down at her hands, a tear running down her cheek. "no one will ever love you, so you have to try to love yourself."
she looks so beautifully broken, sitting on her bed by herself. it's almost to much to witness. i walk away.
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the next time i come out of my room, it's late.
i hear luke's snores, so i assume that he and ash must've fallen asleep watching a movie. i go to check on them and see kenzie's tiny sleeping form resting up against ashton's side, who is cuddled into luke. the three of them look so domestic that i almost want to go and cover them with a blanket, but mostly just kenzie. there's no way she's warm. she's dressed in tiny little shorts and a tank top. i see her shiver in her sleep. i walk away again.
as i lay in bed, i wonder what it would be like to hold someone as i fall asleep. the way michael holds crystal. the way ashton holds luke. i want to hold someone like that. i close my eyes and the first thing i imagine is kenzie's gleaming smile this morning when she brought me my laundry. she looked so proud of herself for doing something for me. that pretty little grin said it all. i ruined it. i turned it to tears.
i throw a pillow against my closet door in frustration. i always ruin pretty things. break them. broken things break things.
i fall asleep, frustrated and teary-eyed. i will ruin her. and she will break me.
A U T H O R ' S N O T E :
age regression is real, and NOT a kink.
the difference:
age regression is when someone reverts to a child-like state of mind, often as a coping mechanism for stress, PTSD, anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. age regressors are typically in a more peaceful and worry-free mindset while in 'little space' these people simply need a break from the world around them and from the stress of being old.
ddlg/mdlg/ddlb/mdlb is a form of BDSM, where one person is a 'caregiver' in the relationship, and one is more childlike. while it can be SFW, it is a sub community of BDSM and is sexual
an age regessor may also be involved in a ddlg relationship, however the terms are not interchangable.
in kenzie's case, she is simply an age regressor looking for a break from the trauma she has from her mentally abusive household and school life, and the death of her brother.
thank you for coming to my TedTalk.
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lonely heart // c.h.
Fanfiction"And who would've thought that the cure to my loneliness would be the loneliest of them all." or a boy and a girl fall into the beautiful mess called love. lowercase intended.
