TW // suicide, homophobia
by the time i'm back to the dressing room, i'm still tipsy and there's a girl i've never seen before in there, and the boys are all looking at her intently.
she's very small, petite even. her feet don't reach the ground. plain brown hair and slightly tanned skin, but the brightest green eyes i've ever seen. she seems nervous, her legs swinging back and forth on the couch she's sitting on.
"um, hi. i'm kenzie faye, i've been doing photography for about 8 years now, since the eighth grade, although you probably could've figured that out. um, i've been a fan of your band since the youtube covers when michael thought he was luke, but that's not why i'm here, i'm here because it's a big opportunity and i have nowhere else to go. but um, i'm sure there's plenty of other applicants so i don't expect a call back. um, i hope you have a great concert. and thank you for your time?" she finishes it out as a question. her hands are fidgeting, and her feet are shuffling against each other. she turns to leave and waves a small goodbye, but luke speaks up.
"why don't you have any other place to go?" he asked
her eyes widened, and her entire body froze and went ghostly pale. she looked at me. those eyes were never going to leave my head. they were gorgeous. she was gorgeous.
"well, um. my brother passed away six months ago, he killed himself because my parents wouldn't accept his sexuality and made it known that they weren't supportive. his last straw was when his boyfriend broke up with him after he found out my brother had gotten disowned. i found him lying in a bath full of his own blood. his name was cody. he was 16. and he loved led zeppelin. he loved to dance. he had the brightest smile, i wish you could've seen it. he was always so supportive of me and my dreams of photography, especially when my parents weren't. i guess he's the reason i'm here today. i want to live my dreams for him. my parents kicked me out after they found out i was paying for his apartment rent. the couldn't understand why i would want to support and help an 'unnatural bitch boy.' but i think them kicking me out is better than having to live with them." she wiped a tear off of her cheek and gave luke a small smile, who was a bit watery-eyed himself.
"would you mind if i gave you a hug, kenzie?" he asked. she looked surprised at the offer. she nods and luke walks towards her with open arms. her arms are too short to reach around his waist, but she holds on as best as she can. she looks so small compared to him. ashton comes up beside luke and kisses a tear off of his cheek, and joins the hug. michael follows soon after. kenzie looks up at me, and those eyes pierce into me all over again. she holds out an arm for me to join, but i turn and walk out of the room and go to prepare for the concert. as the door closes, i hear her soft little voice asking,
"so lashton is real? my ship has really sailed?" and then giggles, lots of giggles.
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the audience tonight was great, singing along jumping, dancing. the stage lights were bright and hot, and the music was loud as all get out. the bass was booming, the drums were banging, the energy was high. textbook definition of a perfect concert. and yet i couldn't seem to get those eyes out of my head. she seemed so hurt, so broken when she was talking about her brother. as if he was the only reason she had to still cling to this earth. i knew that look. it was exactly how i felt. i hope the boys don't pick her as our tour photographer, she would have to be on the same bus as us. she would want to fix me, and i would want to fix her. but we would ultimately be each other's breaking point.
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"if it's alright with you, we'd like you to be our tour photographer. we promise it's not because of your brother, although i suppose it was probably a deciding factor. we looked at your resume, and your work is phenomenal. you'll have to be in the same tour bus as us, but you'll have your own room, and we can stop by wherever to get your clothes and things." ashton rambles on about the details of the exact thing i did NOT want to happen. i will ruin her. she's just an innocent little girl who wears her trauma and her heart on her sleeve, and i will corrupt her like no other. this little girl will be my doom.
A U T H O R ' S N O T E
this chapter was a bit heavy because of the trigger warnings. so, here's a bit of a note on that. if you are here and you are a part of the LGBTQ+ community, i am fully supportive and accepting of you and i love you so so much. if you EVER need anyone to talk to, feel free to message me, and while i still want to keep my identity anonymous, i will try to answer your questions and messages as quickly and efficiently as possible. i love you all so much.
also, if you are thinking about maybe killing yourself, sit and think about the pros and cons. if you kill yourself, sure you'll be dead and all of your problems will be gone. but what about your mom? she'll never get to fuss over you again, she'll never get to do your laundry for you even after telling you to do it multiple times. your dad will never get to watch sports games with you again, or go to any of your events and cheer the loudest for you. your siblings will never have someone to go to when they're too scared to go to mom or dad. your friends will have to look at your empty spot at the cafeteria table with only the memory of your laugh to think of. sit and think about it. talk to me. talk to a friend. i promise you have someone here for you. there are people who care for you. i care for you. things will get better. healing is a process, and it is not linear.
S U I C I D E H O T L I N E : 1-800-273-8255
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lonely heart // c.h.
Fanfiction"And who would've thought that the cure to my loneliness would be the loneliest of them all." or a boy and a girl fall into the beautiful mess called love. lowercase intended.
