The Play

the letter.

the letter.



Dear Nate,

I'd call you my hero, but I think we're all done with the hero/villain complex. So I'll just call you Nate because that's enough. You being you is enough. Not a villain, not Dolion, and no one's actor. Just Nate, the sweetest boy I've ever met.

I'm writing this on the plane to the US, and there's a lady to my right staring at me, probably wondering why I'm crying, why my tears are dropping onto the paper but I'm still writing. I bet she'd think I'm insane if I tell her this letter is for someone who's dead.

I don't know how it happened so fast, I can't even explain it, but I can tell you that no one's ever affected me so much. I thought I could handle all the hardships in the world. I thought I suffered enough growing up. I was a goddamn orphan, I should've been immune to this type of grief. But then you came and you died and nothing's ever messed me up like this did.

I still see you everywhere. When I open my eyes and when I close them, in my nightmares and in my dreams. It's like you're stuck in my head, engraved in the deepest part of my brain. My therapist said it's PTSD and trauma but I think it's just that my subconscious mind doesn't wanna forget you, no matter how much I try to convince myself I want to.

Sometimes the regret keeps me up all night, or maybe it's the guilt. I regret kicking you and shoving you around. Yeah it was all part of a "bigger" plan but where did that lead us? I regret watching you like an idiot while that bastard tortured you. You were screaming and I was just listening to it and it still rings in my ear to this day. I don't know what I should've done, but I know what I did wasn't enough or else you'd be alive now.

And after your panic attack, when we sat beside each other, why in the world didn't I hug you? Why did I just look at you? I don't know. I hate how awkward I was. I hate it so much.

I told my friends the facts you told me about kangaroos and spiders and turtles. They laughed. I've been googling more stuff like that because it reminds me of you. And every time I read one, I wonder if you've read it before. I wonder if you lived longer, would you have told me about it? I always hated animals but now not as much.

You should've lived. You deserved to live. After everything you went through, you deserved to go back home and rest and get all the love in the world. But the exact opposite happened and it breaks my heart every second of every day. I wish I wasn't writing you a letter you'll never read. I wish I was gonna meet you when the plane lands, and we'd talk and laugh because this time we're free, no acts to scare us and no scripts to memorize. But now all that's left of you is a grave and memories that'll last forever. We were supposed to stay friends, remember our deal? We promised each other we're gonna live and we said we're gonna stay in touch, remember?

You told me you wouldn't judge me if I mixed languages, so . . . tu as une place spéciale dans mon coeur. It's been a year and I still cry when I think about you, and I know I always will.

This entire thing, it started with a letter and I'll end it with one. May your soul rest in peace, Nate. The world's a dull place without you.

Sincerely,
Adelaide