make you stay (g.d.)

eighteen

elizabeth:

i quickly wipe my eyes with the back of my hand before i stand up, clutching the scribbled-on plate tightly to my chest.

grayson stands up as well, and looks at me in the eyes. "get to say it all?" he asks.

i nod slowly and almost numbly. i wrote my life story on this plate, practically. i'm hoping we don't have to read them to each other.

"okay, now throw it."

i look at him with a shocked expression. "what?"

"see," he says, holding up his equally scribbled on plate. "throw. it."

and with that, he chucks it at the ground with surprising strength. i gasp and leap back as shards of the glass plate shatter at my feet. i see him breathe deeply and stare at his mess.

after a few moments, he turns back to me.

"the thing holding you back from finding yourself is on that plate. let go of it."

i stare at the plate and almost don't want to ruin it. then i remember what pain everything i wrote down has caused me.

with a sudden burst of anger and frustration, i chuck it at the ground and feel the satisfaction as it shatters and mixes in with grayson's plate.

"yes!" he exclaims. "it's gone now, lizzy. your regrets, mistakes, fears, they're gone. now is the time for self discovery."

i stare at him, and immediately i know what comes next. manifestation.

he pulls the two balloons from his pocket, and starts to blow air into them. when they're both inflated, he ties a string to each of them, and hands me the purple one. he takes orange.

"now write down what you want to find in yourself."

"but grayson i don't know what's missing—"

"you do." he says with confidence. "you've known what's missing all along. you're just scared. write it down."

i take a deep breath and uncap my marker again. he does the same.

in big, block letters, i write:

L O V E

i shield it with my body away from him, and wait until he's done with his. we don't show each other.

"now let it go," he instructs. "let it into the universe, manifest it, and it will come back. i promise."

with a nod, we both release our balloons into the air. i try to see what his says, but it's too far away too quickly.

but i get a small glimpse as it slips over the trees.

G.D. + E.L.

my breathing gets caught in my throat, but i pretend i didn't notice it once he turns to me.

"feel better?"

i only nod, knowing that i can't say words without breaking down. and that's the last thing i want to do in front of him. but he reads my mind too well.

"it's okay," he says softly. "humans cry."

tears immediately stream down my face as i erupt into a rib-racking sob. i've never cried like this in front of anyone, but i don't even regret it. because i know it's what i need.

i gasp for breath as grayson wraps his arms around me, and i melt into his chest.

his embrace feels so, so good.

emotions i've bottled up since forever tumble out, until i'm afraid the crying will never stop. it's ugly crying too, like i needed to do it years ago. and i guess i did need to.

he stays silent, never breaking his grasp. i feel his chin rest on the top of my head for a moment, which makes me cry harder.

he's so good to me. to everyone. and what can i give him in return? nothing? fear of a relationship?

"i'm sorry," i manage out as i bury my face into his chest.

"don't be," he says, and i can tell he means it. "this is good, lizzy. this means you're human."

after a few more minutes, the tears stream slowly and i'm able to catch my breath more.

"i'm the ugliest crier," i almost laugh as i pull away from him, wiping my eyes.

"never," he says quietly, looking into my eyes.

i look at him with pure disbelief. how can one person be so kind no matter what they're going through?

"you are so, so good to me, grayson," i shake my head. "why?"

"because you deserve it."

i have to look away from him, for the fear of crying more terrifies me.

"look up, smile, and breathe," he instructs, and i can almost see the stupid grin on his face. "because this is life, and we're all living it. we're just all doing it differently."

i do as he says, gazing at the orange sunset with the biggest smile i can muster, and fresh air coursing through my lungs.

and for the first time in a while, the smile feels 100%— no doubt about it— authentic.