Tattoos

Chapter 4

Hisoka had never experienced so much pain. His whole body hurt, against him and his actions. Hisoka sat, surrounded by alcohol, drunk out of his mind, missing the performance he was supposed to be wearing Illumi's leotard for.

He sips more of the alcohol, purposefully sitting in his room so he could hide as much as possible from Gon.

Hisoka felt like he lost all his will. Maybe save for wanting the best for Gon. Nothing he thought of besides the boy really seemed to matter anymore. Maybe that should be what he does... just care for Gon. That couldn't be that bad a life... Until Gon leaves him for Killua.

He screams into his pillow, tears he never cried escaping him again. Hisoka didn't have anyone. He never had. That's why he wanted—no needed a mate. Hisoka needed someone.

Hisoka grew up alone, only finding a master briefly who taught him a lot... But he left him too. He remembers that night, at the orphanage. His master walking away, a new child in hand. His own child.

Hisoka worked so hard to be where he was. He had to. An orphaned kid made it into the top performing arts school and was one of the best students. Yet here he was, missing his performance, curled in a ball. Hurting everywhere because one person told him no.

How is his life any fair? He wipes away his tears. He needs to stop having this stupid pity party.

He grabs his work out bag and walks to the school, walking into one of the studios. Hisoka cranks the music and allows himself to dance the sorrows away. Allowing the performance to convey everything for him. The performance to no one but himself... because no one else was ever there for him.

Little did he know, his friends waited at the party, all waiting to see him perform. Not that he ever showed up.
***

Gon slammed the door to Hisoka's room open, eyebrows turned down. Gon rarely got angry but the boy was angry.

"Where the hell were you?" Gon practically growls.

Hisoka offers no response, his head fuzzy from all the alcohol.

"Geez Hisoka!" Gon looks around the room. "You're a mess. What got into you recently? That performance was supposed to be big and you completely blew it!"

"What was it like... With Killua?" Hisoka manages in response.

Gon pauses before sitting on the edge of Hisoka's bed. "You found your mate?"

Hisoka nods but offers nothing else in response.

"Meeting Kill? It was one of the best feelings. Plus he's always there for me, right off the get-go, you know? Killua has no judgment. We just kinda... clicked."

Hisoka decides that makes him feel worse and he closes his eyes. Damn it, why couldn't it have been like that for Illumi? Maybe kissing him right away might have been too much... No. Illumi just flat out rejected him. Not his fault.

"Who?" Gon presses. "And why have they gotten you like this?"

"Doesn't matter," Hisoka takes a swig of straight vodka. "Not at all."

Gon doesn't leave Hisokas room. Instead, he cleans it up and takes the alcohol from his reach. "I'm staying until you sleep. You look like shit and you're acting shittier."

Hisoka mutters in response, curling into a ball. He doesn't need taking care of. Not by Gon or Kurapika or anybody, not even Illumi. He grew up on his own so he can do it on his own.

Despite his thoughts, he falls asleep quickly. He hadn't slept well in the past few nights, constantly feeling pain, drinking to forget only to remember all that much more.