𝐠𝐧𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐧𝐞 ||𝐤𝐮𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧||

10

"kuroo, we put your dinner in the fridge... eat up later, okay?" i hear my mom's voice through the door.

"of course, thank you, mom..."

i have no appetite. 

i've been thinking and re-thinking everything, every word and sentence i said i analyzed, every facial expression kenma had on his face i analyzed, i tried writing down on a piece of paper everything that i know about him - i managed to write only a few things.

his face, the tears rolling down his cheeks, his trembling body - i see it when i close my eyes. i did that, i hurt him, how could i?

i've been refreshing his instagram page for hours now, hoping he will post something, anything - want to know if he is okay. he hasn't been answering my calls, nor my messages - his instagram has been quiet for a couple of days and i can't help but feel responsible. i refresh and refresh and refresh, but my finger slips just on accident and i find myself in the pictures that kenma is tagged in.

how come i never looked here before?

i can see him in pictures akaashi tagged him in, which is surprising considering akaashi never told me he knows kenma's instagram, i can see some other posts from other people and some posts that are hard to explain. at first, i do not believe my eyes, this must be photoshop, but the moment i open up the account i realize just how deep the rabbit hole actually is.

it's kenma.

it's definitely kenma.

but no matter how hard i look at it, i cannot wrap my head around what i am seeing.

the puzzle pieces finally fall together, all the remaining pieces i had no idea where to place fall into their respective places and i can feel myself sinking deeper into despair. kenma... you look so cute wearing those dresses. you look so cute showing off your shopping hauls. all the books and clothes you ordered, all the wraps - is that what you were hiding from me?

as i scroll through the pictures it becomes more and more evident - i really had no idea what life kenma was living up until now. now that i think about it - my words must have felt like knives stabbing him in the back.

so that's who kenma really is. 

i look at captions from a few recent pictures. one of them is a picture of the clothes he bought, the caption reads 'a few pieces to my current addiction of glittery clothes, i like the way they look on my body. they are a size bigger to hide my flat chest, makes me feel a bit better'. 

the other one is a selfie of kenma taken at the golden hour. his hair is styled on the side, eyeliner as sharp as a knife can be, lips sparkling like gold in the sunlight - the caption reads 'had a tough day today, got into an argument. so to feel better i did my makeup again, i like the golden lipstick, i might wear it for the next time i go out'.

and the last picture he posted, today, a mirror picture of kenma wearing a long red dress, it has sleeves, but it wraps around his body nicely. his hair once again combed on the side, lips are crimson red as well, but he looks so down. the caption pierces through my hair - it says 'i'm a coward, i should have told him about who i really am earlier maybe then he could accept me. now, i lost the most important person...'. there are comments from a few people, including hinata shoyo and iwaizumi hajime saying that not all is lost.

am i the only one who didn't know?

i call kenma again. and again. and again.

please pick up.

please.

i go in a circle, i look at the posts, i try to call, i send a message, i look at posts and so on and on and on. i am desperate. i need to hear it from his own lips, i need to hear kenma say it - i need to know if everything i saw is true.

finally, after what seems like hours, my call goes through. my heart almost jumps out of my chest as i hear kenma on the other line. "can you stop calling me?", he asks. my smile immediately drops.

"kenma, please, can we talk?"

"what do you want to talk about? do you want to insult me again? do you want me to rub your pride and ego in your face?", his voice sounds angry and mad, he has the right to yell at me.

"i just... i need to hear something from your own mouth"

"what?!", he snaps at me. i flinch at his voice, it's unfamiliar, i do not know this kenma.

"i... i've been searching around and i found your instagram where you post cute mirror selfies..."

"...", ok keep going kuroo, so good so far.

"... and then i found your other instagram, it seems like i was the only one in the dark about it, but..."

"...", don't mess up now, kuroo.

"i can't believe you actually dress up as a girl, i was right..."

oh no, read the mood kuroo, apologize, don't say anything mean!

"you want a medal for that?", he sounds so hurt.

"no, wait, i just..."

"just what, kuroo?"

"just tell me what you've been hiding. i need to hear it from you or else i won't believe it. i need a reality check, so please...", at first there is silence and i really think i messed up. i've done it this time. suddenly, i hear a sob on the other line.

"what do you expect me to say, kuroo? i was so scared to tell you, i am still scard to tell my parents. i used to look in the miror and i hate the way i look, i didn't see the 'dude' and 'guy' you see in me. that's not me. i want to be the true me, wear the clothes i want, go through treatments... i want to be the girl that i am, kuroo."

"...", i don't know what to say. if i open my mouth i will mess up even more, yet i cannot beloieve it.

"i'm so sorry, kuroo, i'm sorry... you will probably hate me now, but just know that you were the most importnt person for me and i like you..."

the call ends and i am left in my room. i don't know what to believe or who to trust anymore - i am no longer who i was in kenma's eyes. and he no longer is who he was in my eyes.

that's not the kenma i like.

i fell for the other kenma.

but i still like him.

wait,

like her.

i don't know what to do.

i'm lost.