Something Gained

Chapter 1

"I'm sorry Mrs Knight, but by the looks of the results of the tests we ran it doesn't look like you are going to be able to conceive naturally"

How is this happening? As I sit in this cold doctors office, on this stupid cold patient bed, my entire life has been flipped upside down. 

"babe are you okay?" my husbands voice pulls me out of my thoughts 

"I'll give you a few minutes, whenever you're ready come on out and we will get you checked out" Doctor Rivera has been so sympathetic during this process

"Rach, you've been zoned out. Are you okay?" 

Tanner and I have been married for 3 years now, I was 22 the day we got married, so young and full of hope for our future. We have been trying to get pregnant since pretty much the day after our wedding. 3 years of negative pregnancy tests, heart ache, tears and a ton of testing all to find out that im pretty much infertile. 

Now I know what you're thinking, there are so many options to have a family, and yes you would be right. Science has advanced tremendously and there are many roads that we can go down in order to have our family, but all of these roads come with a large price tag, a price tag that we can't really afford right now. It will take so much saving to be able to start our family and that not only stresses me out but is also incredibly disappointing.

"Rach, we are going to be okay" Tanners warm hand running back and forth on my back one again pulled me out of my thoughts 

"I just...cant...believe this" I managed to push out those few words as my heart continued to break

"Lets go home babe, we will figure this out" He helped me off the patient bed and held my hand as we made our way to the check out

Thank God Tanner is here because as the nice check out lady asked me her routine questions all I could do was stare at the beautiful picture of a mother and her child directly behind her, I've seen it multiple times coming into this gynecology office but never paid it much attention. It's a beautiful maternity picture of a woman in a flowy white dress, holding her pregnant belly as she looked down at her young daughter that stood beside her. 

I always pictured taking maternity pictures, I would buy myself a beautiful long tulle skirt in a burgundy color and wear a body-con white lace long sleeve top. I always wanted to take them in a foresty area with the beautiful tall pine trees behind me. 

"babe, she said we can go" Tanner slightly nudged me to bring me back to reality 

I blinked a few times noticing that my vision was burred, when the tears escaped my eyes I realized why. 

"Oh...sorry" I apologized, slightly embarrassed at the fact that I can't keep it together

"why don't you go inside, ill be in there in a few minutes. I just have to make a business call" His words soft, knowing that im very fragile right now. He kissed me on the cheek as I unbuckled my seatbelt to get out of the car

As I walked up the short pathway towards our front door I couldn't help but become overwhelmed again. 

When we first bought this house we envisioned living here for years with our growing children, 2 boys and a girl in my dreams so that our little girl could be protected by 3 men and she will be the only Daddy's girl. We talked about how we would raise our kids and how Tanner would always do what was possible to satisfy any and all of my pregnancy cravings, and even had began thinking of names that we would love to give our children. 

While I knew there was still a possibility for a family for us, it worried me to have additional heartbreak. What if we did IVF and it wasn't successful? What if my body rejected having an embryo in my uterus? What if no matter how many rounds of IVF we do, none stick? I just don't know if I could continue taking heart break after heartbreak 

By this point I had made it to my bedroom and had plopped down on the bed, I want to get up and do something that will take my mind off of the doctors appointment but no matter how much I yell at my brain to move my arms and legs, i just can't. My body won't move, I feel almost numb. 

I hear Tanner walk in the house and set his keys down on the hallway table, as I lay there I can hear his footsteps making his way to the living room. 

He's not going to come lay with me?

I hear the tv click on and the loud cheering of thousands of crazed football fans begin to fill the empty space. 

I guess not.. 

I guess I can't blame him, he must be hurt too..or maybe he thinks that I just need space, which I guess isn't too bad. He has been keeping his distance a lot lately, but I think that's his way of coping with the news we have been getting. 

"ugh" I scoff as I lift my hands to rub my puffy eyes 

I can't sit here and mope forever. I mean I probably can but I shouldn't. I groan as I roll over in bed and look at the picture frame on my nightstand. Ive had this picture there since we moved into this house together. I couldn't help but smile back and the picture of Tanner in I, him in his football uniform and me in my cheerleader outfit. We were the typical high school couple, a jock and a cheerleader. We started dating when we were 15, and even back then I knew that I wanted to marry him. 

The sparkle in our eyes in that picture break my heart, the sparkle of hope and happiness that has slowly dulled out only in the past year. 

How is it that a love story so beautiful and so intricately written for the past 10 years has suddenly turned dark and sad?