𝐃𝐎𝐖𝐍 𝐓𝐎 𝐑𝐈𝐃𝐄.

𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐘-𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄.

As you can see, I'm slightly conflicted.

"You ready?" I asked, standing up out my vanity chair. He eyed me for a second and nodded, and we headed out the door to the car.
    
                                                **   

"Okay, here they are! You see the little hand? Baby is saying 'hi mommy and daddy'," Dr. Walker said, making me smile. Seeing my baby always made my mood better no matter the situation. As the months went by, even though I was still extremely scared to fail my child, I grew to love it more every day.

I grew attached to my baby, I found myself talking to him or her all the time, but with the amount of love I felt the fear was right there behind it. I talked to Maj about it, and he is so sure I'm gonna be a great mom, everyone is, I just wish I could convince myself that, because my baby deserves the best.

I looked over at Maj watching the screen with a big ass smile on his face, and that just made me feel even worse about the way I felt. He was just so happy and I was being a dickhead.

"I'm gonna go ahead and print you some pictures as usual. But everything is going well with baby K, they are growing at a perfect rate and you're on track for a very healthy birth weight. The heartbeat is strong and overall, little ma'am or mister is very healthy. You'll be hitting your 30th week tomorrow and then, we have about 9-10 weeks," Dr. Walker said. I was honestly excited, thinking about meeting my baby had my heart beating a little faster.

"Thank you for everything so far, Dr. Walker," I sat up after she wiped my stomach off.

"Of course, you both are a pleasure. I'll see you in two weeks okay? Call me if anything," she patted my back and we nodded. After she left I got up off the table and grabbed my phone to text Ari, because I wanted to see my best friend.

"Sadiya, whatchu wanna do after this? Eat?" he asked me. I actually wasn't hungry, shocker.

"Mm, no. I wanna go to Ari's house, that's cool?" I asked to make sure he didn't have anything planned for us.

"Yeah, you can take my car, just drop me off at Shah and them house, aight?" he looked over at me from his phone. "You straight?"

"Okay," I nodded. "I'm fine, babe," I smiled slightly and he nodded.

                                               **

"Hey best! I missed you," she pouted. "I'm sorry I been so busy," she sighed, letting me in and giving me a hug.

"Don't apologize, I understand sis," I smiled at her. "How you been? Where's bro at?" I looked around for Darrin who was usually out here on his playstation.

"His lazy ass sleep, we ate breakfast and he went straight back to bed," she chuckled, shaking her head. We sat down on her couch and I sighed, happy to be off my feet. "How are you? You had an appointment this morning right?"

"I'm tired and I'm in a funky ass mood," I grumbled. "But yes, your niece or nephew is very healthy," I told her.

"Funky mood? Why?" she furrowed up her eyebrows. I went ahead and told her about how I been feeling. I knew she of all people would try and talk some sense into me when I needed it.

"I just... I don't know how I'm supposed to feel," I sighed after explaining. "Like I feel selfish because of course I'm happy he's excited! That's a given, and I don't want him thinking I'm not, or I'm upset I don't come first because obviously I know our child comes before everything.

But I just wanna feel like more than a pregnant girl, you know? But that's what I am! And that's what I'm gonna be for a while. Whenever people see me they see me second, and the baby first, they ask about they baby first,, and he does it too. But I wish I could feel like his wife first. Does that make sense? I sound crazy don't I? I'm sorry Ari—"