That Tattoo Guy (MCR Fanfic)

The Loop. (Chapter 11)

The Loop. (Chapter 11)

Age 24

The night sky is just as beautiful as a sunrise. You can pick the patterns of star correlations that mean nothing to me but admirable existence, the dark blue so open and full scattered with stars like glittered trails… until one moves and you realise it’s a helicopter or plane or something… you notice how full the moon can be, even only crescent, you can see the crater’s and the shading of rocks- how gullible we used to be to think that it was cheese of some sort… I remember camping out under the stars with Jamia the night we got married that night I told her-

“No matter where you are, when you look at the moon never feel lonely because someone else out there is looking with you.” Turn to see her behind me, she’s dressed in a sleep shirt that touches just above her knee; her hair swept back into a small stubby bun and her face without a single trace of make-up.

I look odd I know. Lay on the balcony of our new little house away from all things that could puncture my heart again. From here I can just spread out and look up, I can think and talk to the stars in the sky hoping someone is listening.

She comes over and lays next to me our fingers and toes touching as she admires what I see too. “It’s beautiful isn’t it?” I tell her, it’s all I can say right now, I’m scared if I told her what I really thought she’d lock me away in a padded cell and melt away the key.

“It just hurts so bad.” I whisper unable to contain myself, she rolls over and just wraps me with her body, her arms and legs all tangled as she plants a kiss on my cheek. She’s been here for me from the moment she walked back into my apartment as I lay sobbing on the floor to the nights I nursed a bottle of Scotch ready to just drown myself in it. She’s keeping me afloat. I have no one else.

“I know sweetheart, I know, come on let’s get you inside before you freeze to death.” She whispers softly into my ear as we untangle every limb but our hands before she leads me into the cold bedroom. I just missed him so much. It felt like the years I had been away from him again. I felt the same disappointment I had when he wasn’t at prom, or graduation, when he didn’t turn up on the last day of school. He missed all the times I had gotten beaten up for him and all the times my heart had taken a beating of its own. Like Houdini and his stomach punch trick- no matter how many times I got a hit to the stomach I didn’t flinch; until the last and fatal blow which in turn kills me. It kills me.

Lay in bed with Jamia I find it is the first time I’ve been able to just stop and not need to think. Not think about him at least. Here I can just look up into those autumn eyes, I can admire the defined contours of her heart-shaped face. Her sharp cheek bones that balance a scattering of freckles almost protruding from her white skin making around her butterfly lashed eyes and cheeks look hollow and sickly pale. My pain had transferred onto her and I hadn’t realised it until now- it was slowly killing her too. Although this love was more like a friend, I lusted for her but I wasn’t in love with her.

I loved the feel of her fingers tracing up and down my jaw dotted with my new grown bristly beard hiding the thick veins in of my neck making the skin jump as it pulses against her finger beneath the thin pink flesh. I just tangle my fingers in her hair that wisps in a fly away fashion at the tips and I rake through the dark brown locks that are just long enough to run my fingers through and get them lost in the softness.

 At her hairline she has a few pimples as well as under the chin but they are small and unnoticeable unless you were looking- the girl who was taken away from me so long ago is back to me now in this moment and to me she is perfect- I couldn’t have wished for anyone else to be my wife; she looks vulnerable and innocent as she takes in my features her eyes roaming my face till she catches me watching her making the blood rise to the surface in a blush on her cheeks as her eyes drop down embarrassed.

“Don’t you’re beautiful.”  I tell her as I pull her chin up and lose myself in her. For a while she numbs my pain but I know whilst she sleeps it will start all over again just like the memory of the scars all over my body. Of the ink that covers them. For now I’m just stuck in the loop of self-destruction, of cover up and midnight slip ups. I knew when I close my eye the next day would follow, and the next, it was my loop of falling in love and falling in hurt.