That Tattoo Guy (MCR Fanfic)

The Goodbye. (Chapter 16)

The Goodbye. (Chapter 16)

 Age 29 

I loved the cool feel of the leathery fabric underneath me, the smooth black that fit to my body as I waited impatiently and anxious to feel the buzz of the needle. Through my life I had lived through the feeling of the soft coolness against my skin many times, I loved it almost as much as having the tattoo itself. But this tattoo was different, this was of my own nature, my own mind and emotions- this wasn’t the heart on my wrist, it wasn’t the pumpkin on my back or the scorpion on my neck. This wasn’t a statement of loss like the hands on my ribs, it was a statement of emotion- of longing, of pain and torment, of guilt and self-loathing.

I couldn’t help thinking, wondering, dreaming if I would still be here if I hadn’t left them when they needed me most. I lay back feeling the buzz burn into my skin and cursed myself over the big fat jerk I had been.

I walk into the hospital room spotting Gerard hunched over the bed, protecting his daughter and praying for an answer. He looked so weak and fragile I didn’t know what to do, I tried to get him to eat but he’s only drink coffee in fear of being away too long and something happening, I’m not even sure he slept anymore.

“Gee.” My voice causes him to break out a large sob, like all he can do is break down. His barrier is gone and he now has to let it all out to find some solace. With nervous hands I move over to him and wrap him up in my arms around his bony shoulders, yet he still clutches onto Ivy, “It’s okay, she’s coming home soon, when she wakes up she’ll want to see this beautiful face being strong for her.” I stroke his greasy hair now long and stringy with the dye growing out showing the light brown roots at the centre of his head; I wonder when he last showered- a week or so maybe?

“She’s my baby girl. You don’t understand- it’s her over everything.” He continues to sob and sniffle a little more as I stand with a hurt look. I couldn’t believe he’d said that, I had lost my children, my wife, I did know. I knew more than he did! I lost everything and I don’t pull a pity party like some stroppy teenager. But he was right. I’m not a fucking dad and I probably never will be. “Frank I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean-“

“No you’re right. I’m not a dad.” I say unable to stop my shoulders from deflating, I am so tired, I thought I knew what I had gotten into when I promised to stay by his side but I can’t so it anymore.

“You are a dad and you do understand, it’s not what I meant, I’m sorry Frankie.” He tries to plead with me but I give him one last hard look before looking down guiltily, he didn’t realise what I was going to do and he wasn’t going to make me stay.

“I know, I forgive you; I just came to check on you as I heard about today… I didn’t know if you wanted me here when she woke up.” I hadn’t seen Ivy since I left her Elementary school, seeing her now made everything real again, yet my image of a perfect family wasn’t complete without her awake and living it with us. I heard she was being brought out of the coma today which is why I decided it was best to do it when he had something to look forward to instead of wallow.

“Of course, she may not know all you’ve done for her and for me but she will love to see you. I really do appreciate all you’ve done.” He says placing his cold hand on mine, my hand jolts a little from the touch and the feeling of his past words still eating away at me; I didn’t forgive him for his words, pain was often like alcohol and revealed many truths.

“And I will always be here I’m just not sure I can be around you anymore. I need to move on. I love… loved… my wife and I love you but I think it’s time I look after myself too.” I fight back tears as I reach my callused hand out to smooth down his hair onto his cheek, so beautiful, so strong and courageous yet I couldn’t be here anymore. It was eating me away.

“It sounds like you are saying goodbye.” I try to look away from his trembling lips and big doe eyes, he can’t make me feel guilty, and he won’t change my mind.

“For a while I might be but I’ll always think about you. I’m gonna go travelling with my old band from high school.” I mention towards my guitar perched in the corner of the room, a frown crosses his eyebrows and I can see he’s a little angry at me.

“For how long?” he asks searching my face, I can’t look at him, he’s too innocence, he’s too vulnerable. I already feel crap about myself as it is. I already know the risk of walking away and losing him.

“I’m not sure but when I come back I know I can come to the best tattoo guy I know.” This is it. I think as I lean forward and place a soft kiss to his cheek where a light dusting of stubble coats his jaw. My heart pounds and my legs feel numb as I turn and pick up my guitar and backpack from which I’ll be living out of for the next few weeks… months... I don’t know. I walk on shaky legs to the door, I turn and look at him- the guy I love and his daughter, a daughter I wish I had, his broken eyes and my chest constricts. I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want this to be the last time I see him and it be all my fault.

I blink the picture away from my eyes and give a soft smile hiding my inner turmoil with a wave. If I don’t go now I may never get the chance. Goodbye. My heart twists in my chest as I turn and walk away. It isn’t until I reach the end of the hallway that I break into a fit of sobs and slowly slide down the wall like my legs can’t carry me anymore. Goodbye… I will always love you Gee, I just wish you could see it. Please don’t hate me.

“Are you sure?” the tattoo artist asks me as he looks at the full design printed on my body, it needed the last touch.

“I have never been more sure in all my life.” I tell him and close my eyes once again wishing it was My Tattoo guy. The one with the feather light touch and the ghost white skin, honey eyes and small toothed smile. The one I wanted was coffee and spice scented and had lips that tasted like caramel and got me drunker than the finest bourbon.

“Okay and you’re done. You know the rules, I’ll go get you a wrap, the mirror is there to take a look.” I snap my eyes open at the guy’s words, he sets his tattoo gun down and wipes it clean where a dull ache has formed.

I stand as he goes to get the film to cover it and keep it clean. Moving to the mirror I stare down at the flame just above my heart, ‘HOPE’ underneath with the faint marking of ‘X- Gee –X’ over it in white ink so it is unseen unless you looked for it. Now I had him, over my heart, in my skin like my DNA. He’d always be there.

*A/N: The pic attached is the way I see Frank in this part of the story, he's settled down and doesnt need to make a statement, his hair is natural and he has the 'cool' style to him with the flannel shirt... I like this Frank- he looks healthier... a pic of the tattoo he gets will be added but I'm no artist so it's not perfectly amazing- Thanks for reading!