Percico/Jercy/Perjasico (Percy Jackson Fanfiction)

Gone.

Gone. He's been gone for three weeks.
Three fucking weeks.

And the sad thing is, I never bothered to read his note. I didn't want to know why. I didn't want to hear him say he's sorry, because he knows he isn't. He knows that he's where he wanted to be. He knows he abandoned me. He knows, and how could he be so selfish?!

I slowly tore apart the envelope, breathing in, trying to contain myself. Trying, knowing I would desperately fail at keeping the sea of tears kept away.

There were pages, more than one. But it didn't occur to ever count them. I couldn't even see through the tears that had escaped, anyway.

I saw my name written in Blue, scribbled onto the back of the letter as of he were in some hurry, but he'd remembered the heart that he always wrote for me when he used to write things to me all the time. He was cute like that. Always thinking of ways to make me smile. He didn't even think to make himself smile. Nobody else even saw him as that. It seems they do now though, because he's dead.

Then I saw words everywhere, quotes on the margins, lyrics between quotes, all in black. Like he only wrote my name in blue because it was my favorite color-it still is.

He was so thoughtful.

It took me five minutes to gain enough composure to even start reading. To see my boyfriend's last words. His last words that were to me. Not his sister, or his dad. To me.

Percy<3,
You knew it would happen, didn't you?
Of course you did. Everyone did.
Everyone knew little Nico would kill himself one day. And they wanted it, too. Everyone except you and Hazel.
But I'm not going to say a bunch of bullshit to make you pity me, to make you forgive me. You won't. I wouldn't either, I guess. But what I did was unforgivable. Hell, you don't even have to love me anymore, if you don't want to. It was surprising to me that you ever did. I mean look at us- heroic Percy Jackson and suicidal, emo Nico DiAngelo? Nobody would ever guess that we'd be together.

But I'm sure you guessed one day that I would be just... Gone. Yeah, you might not think I'd take twenty eight pills to get it done with, but you knew I wouldn't stay with you forever. At least, I hope you didn't think I was strong enough for that shit.

I'm not strong, Percy. Not at all. I'm not you or Jason or Leo or even Grover. I'm not even strong enough to keep myself up. I never saved a life besides my own,and that was only because I knew you might need some help later on. But I can't help you anymore. I couldn't help myself.

I'm sorry, Percy. I'm sorry. If I thought I would get any better for you, I might still be here. But I knew I just wouldn't get better. I'd seen to much, I'd felt to much. Every day was a nightmare, and every night, when I could fall asleep and shut the world off, those were the only times I felt alive. Well, I felt alive with you, too. But that was it.

When I was awake, I was drowning. I was trying to swim myself up to shore, to save myself but I fucking couldn't because the water had gotten into my lungs, and was weighing me down. I was already dying, percy. So really, there's no difference. Now, I'm just DEAD. They way I've wanted to be for years. And I'm sorry that I wouldn't take you with me. And don't you fucking dare try and follow in my path.

Anyway, Percy, I can't write much longer, because things are starting to hurt. The pills have kicked in, and I'm feeling queasy, plus I can barely see your name anymore, which is scary. It feels like you're fading away and that you'll be gone. I hope not. The one thing keeping me on that god forsaken earth all that time was you. If dying means forgetting you, I'm not dead. I won't forget you. Ever. And one day you'll be with me. One day super duper far way.

Again, I'm sorry it had to come to this. I'm just tired. I'm tired of everything. Of people thinking I'm this weak little boy, which I am. I'm tired of missing my sister. I'm tired of everything. Everything but you. I love you percy. And I won't ever stop loving you. Don't think I'm trying to leave you. I'm just going home. I just wish it could be closer to you.

I love you,
Nico. xxx

( lyrics from the margins.)
*another day alone.
Another night.
Another knife.
I guess I'm on my own.
The lights are on, my eyes are closed,
And no one understands the dark I'm dealing with
And all the people in my life are way to blind to see the vice.

All these scars, all these scars,
from the war against ourselves, the war against ourselves
I'm living in a hell, it's what is real.

I don't wanna go anymore.

I know that you're confused.
I've been there once,
I've been there twice,
The third I didn't choose.
I guess I'm bored to lose.
The ones that break you down, they look so cool
That's why I always break the fucking rules.
My synchronized wounds.

They break me down, I can't block the sound.
So I turn to the one thing I know will not let me down.
People don't think to ask what's wrong,
I stop and go to the beat of the broken flow in blood.

All these scars,
All these scars,
From the war against myself
I'm the walking hell.
I won't starve
Myself of the dark.
Listen to me scream and shout but do not say a word.*