12 Days of Misery?

December, 18th

Dear Diary,
It's day three since Nate left to see his family and it also counts as the amount of days my mind has been entrapped with thoughts of him.

He gave me his number before he left, but do I just send him a text? And how do I even do that? I mean, together we just click, but it's different when you send a casual message.

Will he think me weird for contacting him too early? Or will he get the wrong idea if I don't? These are just some of the things that I have been thinking of lately...

But mostly I have been struggling to ignore the constant pulling my heart seems to do when I think about being with Nate.

Let me explain; How can I not like him? He's nice, he's charming, a real gentlemen. He's genuine, funny and down right gorgeous! But...

Yes there's a but, just hear me out? You already know Diary that I have never actually been involved with anyone, otherwise my Diary entries would be a whole lot more exciting.

But that doesn't mean I don't have a pretty good idea of what it's all about, because I do. It just... I wouldn't know how to 'initiate' anything to do with it. I guess I should man up, metaphorically of course.

So here's the thing, I just swore to myself that I didn't need to keep searching for 'him.' That these things just have a way of working out when you least expect it.

Yet I can't deny the obvious fact that, I like him. Even though I have only known him a short time, things are already complicated. Right now, I'm not sure if it's 'him' that I like or the idea of being with 'him.'

I just don't know if I can open up again after deciding that I would leave it up to fate. Because the funny thing about fate is, you never know when it's in play.

I want to like him, but right now I know that's not good enough. I think I want to like him because I want to be with someone, and I can't let my mind tamper with my heart like that.

I would never forgive myself if I hurt someone as sweet and kind as him. So right now, he's just someone who is really important to me, even if I don't know what that is yet.

I mean, you know me. I can never say the right things; on the outside I'm all cool and calm, but on the inside I'm a nervous wreck when ever I'm near him.

I know love is blind and that I'm afraid to speak the words that I know is undoubtedly true... And it's because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of being with him, hell I afraid of being hurt because of how much I want him. I'm afraid that if I admit what I have been trying to deny, that I will get hurt because it won't work out.

So yes Diary, I like him! I just don't want to get hurt, but most of all... I don't want to hurt him