If It Wasn't For That Night

Chapter 5

          We just started ignoring each other. Tried not to talk when we didn't have too. Barely looked at one another through out the day. Pretended the other didn't exist. We knew we couldn't live like this the rest of our lives. But it just felt too awkward. 

          After that night, everything changed though we pretended it had never happened. It shouldn't have happened though. I should have buried those feelings. Erased those thoughts from my mind. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't help loving her. 

          Somehow I knew that this would happen. That it would end out this way. But I refused to listen to myself. I was too stubborn. It could have ended happily. Both of us could have been happy. I chose to ignore those thoughts. Thoughts that told me this was wrong. It was. I just couldn't see it. How could this ever go wrong? It did. Because of that night.

          At first, I wasn't sure what I should do. Frida loved me. I wasn't so sure I loved her. She was my best friend. Plus, I was married. Bjorn needed me. I needed him. I didn't feel the same with Frida. We had stopped talking. I didn't know if I wanted to talk to her anymore. I just couldn't take it. 

           We didn't have time for this. There were concerts I had to sing at. New songs we needed to record. And now, my best friend was in love with me. That was too much for me.

          We had tried to pretend that night had never happened. It didn't work. Every time I saw her I remembered what she said. The way she looked at me. She really did love me. I didn't want that. I wanted to stay friends. We had our lives to life. It didn't need to get more complicated. 

         She was sitting there. Just me and her. I could tell that it was getting awkward but we continued sitting there. I wanted to say something. I didn't know how though. Even if I could I wouldn't know what to say. Maybe I was too focused on her. We were alone. I could have done anything. I didn't though. She spoke instead.

          "So... About that night..." She looked down. She didn't specify but we both knew what it was.

          "Let's not talk about it. I... I didn't think properly before saying it. I'm really sorry." I was. I shouldn't have done that. That night should never have happened. It didn't need to.

          "Do you... Do you really love me?" She looked like she was going to cry.

          "I do. It's just... we can never be together." I looked into her eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes. I couldn't tell if she was disappointed or not. I couldn't tell if she cared for me or not. It's not liked it mattered then anyway. We could never be together.

          We were alone in the room. Benny and Bjorn had went out. I guess they could tell that there was something between us that we needed to fix. I wish they hadn't. Yes, we needed to fix this. But not now. Next time, when I could actually look at her.

          We sat there for a while. I could tell she wanted to say something. I knew we couldn't sit there the whole day. We needed to fix this. "So... About that night..." I looked down at my lap. We both knew what I meant.

          "Let's not talk about it. I... I didn't think properly before saying it. I'm really sorry." She did look genuinely sorry. But I couldn't forgive her. I didn't think I ever would.

          But... "Do you... Do you really love me?" Of course she did. I saw her that night. She wouldn't lie to me like that.

          "I do. It's just... we can never be together." She looked into my eyes. I looked back. If you knew then why did you make that night happen?

          "Then why did you tell me? Why did you, if you knew it will never work out?" I could tell Agnetha was trying hard not to cry. "Why did you do it? I would have been happier that way." Then she told me everything. Like I told her everything. I couldn't believe it. Agnetha? No. That couldn't be true. It was all I had ever hoped for. And yet I didn't want that for her. She didn't need to love me. She didn't need to feel the pain like I did.

          I heard the door closing. I turned to see her leave the room. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I thought we could get over this. I thought it would end differently. I must have been foolish to think that it would have. Foolish to think that after that night, things would go back to normal.

         Maybe if I had done things differently, it wouldn't have turned out like this.

          It came out before I could stop it. "Then why did you tell me? Why did you, if you knew it will never work out? Why did you do it? I would have been happier that way." I tried to stop myself from crying. But it was true. I would have been happier. So much more happier. So I told her everything. Once I started, I couldn't stop. And when I was done, I finally understood my true feelings for her. I had never been certain about my feelings. But now...  I was sure. Why though? Why did I do this? This could have ended. It could have been over. Except it didn't because of what I had said.

          I left the room. I couldn't stay there any longer. I was afraid of what would happen if I stayed. Afraid of doing something I would regret. But even so, I knew it was too late. We had reached the point of no return.

          I shouldn't have told Frida. We would have been better off that way. Better off not knowing. Better off without each other.