If It Wasn't For That Night

Chapter 3

           I lay there for a long time. I had watched Benny wake up and leave the room. He thought I was asleep. Good. I didn't think I could talk to him after last night. I shouldn't have done that. I don't even know why I did that. She looked so beautiful last night. I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts. It was wrong. Loving Agnetha was wrong. But I couldn't help it.

          She probably didn't feel the same way with me than I did with her anyway. The walls weren't that thick so I could hear the way she was talking to Bjorn. She still loved him. And I still loved Benny. And he loved me. That was enough. He was the person I truly loved. Yes. He was.  Did I really love him though? I felt like I was lying to myself. I do. I have to love him. More than Agnetha. 

          I really thought that. Maybe if stopped lying to myself it wouldn't have happened. It wouldn't have ended so badly. If I told Benny earlier. If I didn't hide it this whole time. Maybe things would have turned out differently. 

          I remember waking in the bathroom. The sun was high in the sky. I must have fallen asleep in there. Someone was knocking on the door. "Agnetha?" It was Bjorn. I freaked out. I knew he must not know what happened that night. If he did... I shuddered. He won't find out. I unlocked the door and Bjorn came in. He looked really worried. "Are you alright, Agnetha?" 

          I groaned. My bones ached from having slept on the floor. "Yeah. I'm fine." I tried standing up but failed horribly. I groaned again. What was Bjorn thinking? He obviously knows I'm not OK considering the way I was acting. I tried getting up again, this time Bjorn helped me. He was so sweet. I didn't think I could hide the truth from him any longer. "Bjorn?" I said weakly. He turned his head in my direction. No. I couldn't. He will never forgive me if I tell him. I shook my head. I'm sure Frida wasn't serious right? But she must have been. She knows me too well to do that kind of thing to me. What do I do? What do I do?

          Bjorn said something. He said it again louder probably because I wasn't listening. "Agnetha. What do you have to tell me?" He looked so cute when he was worried for me. I knew he truly cared for me. But I couldn't tell him the truth. It wasn't as if I shared Frida's feelings for her, right? She was different. She was special. I cared for her. But not in that way.

          I finally got out of bed after almost a hour. Had to drag myself out. Poured myself a cup of coffee. Settled down beside Benny. Agnetha was nowhere to be seen. All the better for me. I didn't think I could bear looking at hear after that night. 

          Started slowly sipping my coffee, then she came in the room with Bjorn. Her clothes were wrinkled probably from sleeping on the floor. Her eyes were red like she had been crying all night. I stared at my coffee as she looked in my direction. I could feel her eyes on me. I felt so guilty. Maybe I shouldn't have told her. Maybe I should have stayed with her and made sure she was all right. Maybe I should thought carefully before falling in love with her.

          I couldn't stay in that room for long. Not with her looking upset. Angry. Betrayed. I slowly edged towards the door. "Where are you going?" Of course Benny would notice. He has been staring at me in that weird way since this morning.

          "No where in particular. It's just a really nice morning so I wanted to go on a walk." Why did I say that? It was cloudy outside. I smiled awkwardly. 

          "Are you sure? Looks like it's going to rain." He knew I was hiding something. Somehow, he knew what was wrong. I looked at Agnetha. Help me.

          I couldn't tell Bjorn. Just told him that I was hungry. I don't think he believed me but he didn't say anything. I walked out of the bathroom. Made my way into the kitchen. Frida was sipping a cup of coffee. How could she afford to look calm after last night? She pretended not to notice me as I walked into the room. She looked nervous. Scared almost.

          I observed her closely from the corner of my eye. She knew what I was doing. She started moving towards the door slowly.  "Where are you going?" I pretended to be focused on the food in front of me.

          "No where in particular. It's just a really nice morning so I wanted to go on a walk." She looked rather guilty when she first saw me this morning. No wonder she was trying to escape. 

          "Are you sure? Looks like it's going to rain." Frida looked stuck. She looked at me. Her gaze showed fear. She didn't want Benny to find out about last night. And she was asking me for help. From me. Should I, even after last night?