In My Life (John Lennon fanfic)

Chapter 39.

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I yawned the next morning, drinking another glass of liquor and watching the news. Maxwell playing with one of his toys when the phone rang. I picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Lucy, are you alright?"

I sighed. John.

"Yeah um, I'm quite dandy." I said lighting a cigarette.

He sighed. "Lucy I'm coming over. Please."

I inhaled my cig, blowing smoke into the air. "Okay. Um, please hurry yeah?"

"I will."

I hung up and put out the cigarette, feeling my stomach turn as I poured myself another glass of Jack Daniels. Maxwell walked over to me, mumbling and handing me a piece of glass. I quickly took it from his hands, looking him over to make sure he was alright. After my small panic attack, I set my glass of alcohol aside and just held Max in my arms.

"I miss your father." I said against his cheek.

I jumped when there was a knock on the door. I cleared my throat.

"Come in!" I yelled. I wiped my eyes as he entered the room. Max falling asleep against my chest.

"Hi. I um, the place looks a mess." He said sitting in the chair next to me. I nodded.

"I haven't really been up to anything lately. I don't see the point in it all."

He looked at me. "Lucy, I'm worried about you."

I raised my eyebrows and shrugged. "Don't be. I can take care of myself. God knows I've done it most of my life." I said getting up and leaving the room. John followed me as I set Max to nap. I closed the bedroom door and turned to him.

"You know, you don't have to feel obligated to check up on me."

He shook his head. "I don't. Its just what friends do. That's what we are isn't it?"

I made my way into the kitchen and decided to make myself some tea. "I don't know what we are John. You keep your distance, then you show up when I least expect it."

I filled the kettle with water, then set it on the stove.

"I care about you Lucy. I just want to make sure you're well enough to take care or Max. Julian's been wondering how you are."

I crossed my arms and leaned against the counter. "I'm fine."

"Are you?"

He sat on a stool and looked at me. I blinked and shook my head. "No. I'm not. I just lost the father of my child. How do you think I am??"

"I know your hurt Lucy. But you just..."

"Don't tell me I have to move on. I cant. Not this soon. Andrew wasn't much to you, but he was everything to me. I loved him with all my heart and losing him the way I did was just...it wasn't fair." I broke down. John came over and pulled me into his arms. "I can't stop now. I can't just give him up. He was the one man in this world that actually listened to me."

"I listen to you Lucy...."

"Only so much. He wanted me to leave with him John. He wanted us to be together. To be a family. To have a home and grow old together. But he knew you'd always come first." I pulled away from him and stood back. He just silently stood still as I spoke.

"Andrew always had high spirits. He wanted to be with me despite the fact I was in love with you. I knew he'd be there for me. He wouldn't run off or cheat....tell me why John. Just tell me why I'd choose you over him??" I shook my head.

"Lucy you're being rediculous now. You know I love you."

"I don't feel like you do anymore. You never show it." I shook my head.

"Lucy.." He came in closer. I took a step back.

"I can't let you hold me John. My whole life has revolved around you. And what do I get back?? Nothing. I get the kick in the face. Pushed to the side. Forgotten. But with Andrew, He always put me first. He was a great father. All I ever wanted was to be loved. And he loved me. He really really loved me. And I let him leave that evening. I let him walk out the door to get drunk and get himself killed." I said shakily.

"Lucy it's not your fault."

"It is my fault. And yours. Because of you I never showed him as much love as I should have. My whole fuckin life revolves around you and I hate it! I fuckin hate loving you! You ruined me from loving another man!" I cried as the kettle began to whistle loudly.

"Lucy please don't cry. I love you so much, you know I do. I want you to be happy again. I want to see that girl I used to know." He pleaded, pulling me back into his arms. I fought him but gave up after a small struggle. I cried and cried into his chest as he stroked my back.

"It isn't fair John! Now I have nobody."

"You have me Lucy. You'll always have me."

"For how long?" I asked. He pulled back slowly and looked down at me. I wiped my eyes and shook my head, grabbing the kettle and taking it off the burner. I turned so I wasn't facing him. "You should go John. I just need to be alone. Of you loved me...you'd give me that."

He placed his hand on my shoulder, but let go. I shut my eyes, hearing his footsteps fade and then the front door open and shut. I took a deep breath and grabbed an asprin out of the cabinet, pouring myself another glass of liquor and washing the pill down.

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