Zeal's Paradigm

Chapter Five

JULIANE

Wala akong maramdaman. Nakatingin lang ako sa nasusunog na building. I feel numb all over my body. Hanggang sa bigla na lang akong umiyak. I suddenly felt so heavy. Parang ang bigat-bigat ng loob ko.

Zeal was there to comfort and calm me for the whole seven hours. Nag-aantay kaming maretrieve lahat ng katawan na nasa loob ng sumabog na police station.

I was hopeful na hindi kasama si papa sa mga naretrieve na katawan. May mga preso na sugat lang ang tinamo, may iba namang halos hindi na makilala dahil talagang nasunog na. I am frightened.

Katabi ko si Zeal at nag-aantay. Hindi na pinalapit pa ang mga nakikiusyosong mga tao sa police station. Gabi na, and all I did was stare at the burnt building. Nagbabakasakaling may ilabas pa sila.

My cheeks were red, and tears streamed down my cheeks everytime I remember that my dad, is still there.

Tahimik akong niyakap ni Zeal habang nag-aantay kami. And I was relieved na nandito siya sa tabi ko. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kapag wala siya.

The list of those who died from the explosion was posted. Nagmadali akong pumunta sa bulletin kung saan iyon nakalagay. Parang natigil ang mundo ko nang makita ang pangalan ni papa sa papel.

I silently wished that I couldn't read. My heart ached so badly that I cried.

I hugged Zeal and cried in his chest. Why is this happening to me? Anong nagawa kong mali? Kung alam ko lang na mangyayari 'to, sana sinulit ko 'yung panahong kasama ko siya. I would say I love you to dad a thousand times. Bakit niya ako iniwan agad.

"Shh." Zeal gently tapped my back. He stayed silent while I was crying.

I mourned for three days. Pinacremate agad namin ang katawan ni papa at inilagay sa columbarium. Sa tatlong araw na 'yon, kapag nag-iisa ako ay pakiramdam ko may nakatingin sa akin. I'm not safe, we're not safe staying in one place.

The police reported the explosion as a deliberate act. The person who planted the bomb was also killed by the explosion. I wanted to scream and deny that my dad is gone. Pero kada maaalala ko ang pangalan niyang nakasulat sa bulletin at ang labi niyang ipinakita sa amin ni Zeal, hindi ko maiwasang maiyak at parang gumuho na nang tuluyan ang mundo ko.

I stared at nothingness for almost four hours straight. Iniisip ko 'yung mga bagay na dapat ginawa ko na dati o dapat ay hindi ko ginawa. I also thought of killing myself for a second, pero agad ring nawala sa isip ko iyon nang maalala ko si papa at mama.

Would they be happy to know that I killed myself? Probably not.

Inisip ko rin ang mga posibilidad kung magtatagal pa ako dito sa Central City. Would I be safe? Knowing na mayroong mga taong hindi ko alam ang balak sa amin, may sense pa bang manatili dito?

I also considered the fact that Zeal is always by my side everytime. He helped me escape those men and comforted me. He saved me. So what is the least that I could do for him? Siguro 'yun ay ang samahan siya at tuluyang tanggapin ang paghingi niya ng tulong sa akin.

Siguro kung umalis ako dito sa Central, gagaan ang loob ko. I'll temporarily forget about everything right?

My heart aches as I think about my parents. It hurts so bad na gusto kong umiyak pero hindi ko magawa. There's this heavy burden in my chest that I don't know what to do.