Mesmerized

treinta y seis.

The day had finally come for the session with my parents; I had spent most of the previous Sunday trying to dispel their fears and apprehension about seeing a therapist. Seeking the help of a mental health professional wasn't common in my community, though to be honest, mental health wasn't often spoken about at all. So, after learning that my brothers were all aware that I'd been in therapy for almost half a year, my parents felt an understandable tinge of betrayal. It took a few apologies and promises to be honest in the future until my mother was completely sold on the idea.

The three of us were all on edge as we sat with my therapist- my parents because they were in an unfamiliar environment and me because I'd never felt more exposed it my life.

"Hello, my name is Dr. Milena Jade. I've been seeing your daughter for about six months now." Dr. Jade held her hand out as she formally introduced herself to my parents.

My mother shook Dr. Jade's hand, her voice unsteady as she spoke, "It's good to meet you, I'm Olall and this is my husband Arcángel."

"Thank you both for coming, my role today is only to guide the conversation if Arinze gets stuck. I believe that she's equipped to properly explain herself and I'm sure that your insight will be invaluable to her progress." Dr. Jade was the embodiment of poise as she expertly diffused the tension that had built in the room.

I took her cue and turned to face my parents who were seated on the couch next to me. "I've been imagining this every day since I called papa." I murmured softly as I fixated on the pattern of Dr. Jade's rug. "I was-"

The world stopped for a second as the words got caught in my throat, I turned to Dr. Jade who nodded in encouragement, then met the eyes of my parents for the first time that day. My mother hesitantly placed a hand on my shoulder as I attempted to speak again.

"I was there when Milo and Ale got shot." I whimpered as I was assaulted by the haunting memory. "Not there as in I saw it from the window... I was right next to them." My eyes burned with tears as I continued. "I haven't even told Dr. Jade the full story because I can't go there."

My father's eyes softened. "Oh mija, why didn't you say something? We would've been there for you."

"I felt guilty, the man who shot them- he laughed at me, almost like he knew that letting me live would do more damage than killing me." I cried, "And what about Tia Luz and Tia Rebe? How was I gonna tell them that their sons died and I got to live? The thought still makes me sick." My vision blurred as the tears overflowed. "I felt sick every single day after that, even thought about hurting myself and I guess the only thing that made me feel better was to feel nothing at all."

Dr. Jade jumped in there, "Now I'd like for you to allow your parents to explain how that point in time felt to them." She nodded towards my parents, encouraging one of them to start. "Olall?"

"You disappeared Natalia." My mother's voice was barely above a whisper, "You have to understand Dr. Jade, she was my most expressive child, she was always so sensitive and then..."

My heart broke, but I remained silent and let her continue.

"I think that we all assumed that it had something to do with Michelangelo and Alejandro, the three of you did everything together back then." She laughed, no doubt remembering some of our childhood antics. "Me and papí thought that it would pass, but it didn't."

My father spoke up when it seemed like my mother couldn't anymore. "Therapy is not normal for us, so yes... we prayed and hoped that you would come around. We could've helped you much sooner if we believed. Es vergonzoso." (It is shameful.) He muttered under his breath while swiftly wiping at his eye.